Apologies to My Friends

Before I started this blog, many of my friends, colleagues, and even some family members had no clue about the other side of my life — the dark past I kept buried so my children, as well as I, could live a normal life. For many years, long ago, I was not a good citizen and member of the community. When I changed my ways and started building a new and better life for my kids and myself, I didn’t want the stigma of my past to hurt my children or my career. So I kept it all a secret from almost everyone.

That horrible past seems like a lifetime ago. Yet, on some level, it’s always with me.

I was severely abused throughout my childhood, and after I escaped that nightmare, I ended up in other ones because I kept getting involved with abusive men. I always saw the good in the people I was with, and I’d try to fix their bad behavior. All of the men in my past had drug issues, even my daughter Amanda’s father, John, who smoked pot every day. I’ve never abused drugs (not that I never tried them). It just wasn’t my thing.

My addiction, apparently, was trying to fix everyone, which, of course, I never accomplished, because none of those men wanted to be fixed. They wanted to live a life of crime, whether it was white-collar crime or just downright dirty behavior. I was just looking for a family and a home, some peace and stability, and love. But I attracted the opposite—chaos, violence, evil.

Being stabbed 21 times in a murderous attack by one of those evil men was a real turning point in my life. I told myself, No more! And I decided I would rather be alone than deal with men who were abusive, thieves, substance abusers, and thugs. I was sick of waking up every day worrying about and then dealing what whomever I was with was going to do to get his next high.

For people like that, the next high is at any cost. At one point, one of those men tried to force me to sell my children for a large amount of money to people who were unable to have children. He said he wanted the money so we could run away and start a new life. That was BS; he just wanted the money for drugs.

“Becki, it’s no big deal,” he said. “You can have more kids.”

It turned out he was in involved with a black market baby ring. One of his friends had gotten his girlfriend pregnant, and they’d given up the child for adoption. It was a private adoption, and the people who adopted the child had given them $50,000. My child’s father thought this was a brilliant idea, and when I told him I was not willing to do that, he beat the holy hell out of me while I was pregnant. I tried reaching out to my family and asking for their help, but they refused.

It’s shocking, I know. But I am just being honest here; this did happen, and it is part of the unsavory past I was hiding from for so long. In my book, I will go into detail about this black market baby ring and my experience during that very dark period of my life.

The point of this blog and my upcoming book is to finally tell the whole truth about my life — the good, the bad, and the ugly — so that I can truly heal from it and put it behind me for good. I also hope it will help my children to understand how my past affected me and to heal from how that affected them.

Since I wrote the blog post about my son Lance’s kinship to Keyshia Cole (they’re first cousins), I have received much negative feedback from Lance’s biological father’s (Clarence’s) family. Clarence’s siblings are upset about me writing about their brother’s criminal history, substance abuse, and violent behavior. Like I told them, I simply wrote the truth, and I have permission from Clarence to write about it. His criminal history is also public record. It is also part of my life and my son’s life, part of our truth. When Clarence went to prison, none of his family members embraced Lance, my other son, Anthony, or me. They did nothing to comfort or help us, financially or otherwise, which I understand was not their responsibility. Now they are angry that I have written about my son’s biological father and his family and our relationship to them. They said I should just write about my family and leave theirs out of my blog and book.

But like it or not, they are part of Lance’s family, and their brother Clarence is part of my past. It is part of my truth, part of my life story.  So I am going to write about it. Like I said, Clarence is fully aware of that, and for once, he is supporting me in my journey. Meanwhile, he is still in prison.

To my friends and family with whom I have a relationship, I am sorry you knew me to be someone other than the crazy girl who was involved with such negative, destructive people. I hope you can understand that I really just wanted to put all that in the past and have a normal, productive life for my children and myself.

But recently, the past has come back to haunt me through the actions of two of my own children, who thought it would be “funny to tell mom’s former life.” So I decided that, if my past is going to come out, it will come out as the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And it will be in my words, on my terms.

I am still the same Becki you have always known; for some of you, that’s been for 20+ years. I am just better and stronger and more compassionate, and my heart is no longer numb, like it was for 25 years while I was suffering abuse at the hands of others. I no longer have to cover up my past nor hide or lie about anything. My hope is that other women in similar situations will read my blog and (soon) my book and realize that they, too, can break free of abusive relationships and dysfunctional lifestyle and create a better, happier life for themselves and their families.

To all my friends and family members who are still in my life, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for not revealing my dark past to you previously and for whatever distress the truth of my past causes you. I also want you to know how grateful I am for your love, understanding, support, and presence in my life. For those former friends who have chosen not to contact me due to my past and my decision to tell my story and for those condemning me and asking me to stop, you need to do your own inventory and mind your own business. Because I am going to tell my story, the good as well as the bad. God is with me, guiding me and protecting me, and so are my supportive friends and my wonderful husband Ronnie and son Lance and my daughter Ali.

let-he-without-sin-cast-first-stone

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This entry was posted in Adoption, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family Relationships, Family Secrets, Healing and Recovery, Toxic Relationships, Traumatic Experiences, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Apologies to My Friends

  1. Pingback: Calling All Readers « Deliberate Donkey

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