I apologize to my readers that I have not yet posted part 2 of when I was stabbed. There could be potentially several parts to that story as the pain and suffering, not only for me, but my children too, went on for years. In fact it has not ended.
The last couple weeks have been difficult. I have been doing some serious soul searching and meeting almost weekly with a dear friend I have had for over 25 years. I have always said if I ever get to heaven it would be through her.
Digging deep within your being is painful and a long process and I am so thankful for my core group of friends and immediate as well as extended family members who continue to support and encourage me on a daily basis. I am very blessed to have these people in my life. Also my new friends, who are part of the blogging community, have reached out and connected with me across the world. I now have over 80 countries that have read my blog. That is amazing !!!
However I have been told that in several different workplaces and watering holes, the water cooler is buzzing about Becki and her blog, some negative, which I expected, and some positive, which warms my heart. I never expected a marching band to parade down the street or have a national holiday called ” Becki became truthful”. I was well aware of the fallout and friends dropping me like the fall leaves and abandoning our friendship in droves. I was prepared emotionally .
I believe that many of those so called friends… are scared for their own well-being. Maybe due to the death threats I received from my eldest son that continue under false email account, or maybe even possibly because I have decided to put the truth about my life out there for all to see, regardless of how painful or the repercussions that may follow. Or, my personal opinion, because it might force some of those people to take a look within themselves and the life of lies they have and do lead: the cheaters that go home to their wives and husbands every night, the corporate owners that take large amounts of cash payments from clients to keep it off the books and knowingly hire illegals and then treat them like animals, the dirty cops, the pro athletes I know that were doping, or even the person who steals the paper clip box from the office because they don’t want to purchase on their own. Lying is lying, cheating is cheating , and stealing is stealing you can’t have your own spin on the fact.
A phone call I received a couple weeks ago from someone I have known for 12 years asked me if I was going to write about their affair in my blog…I questioned that person and looked at my phone and said “WHAT??? NO I AM NOT this is my story; it’s not about you. I am dealing with my own demons and what happened to me throughout my life not yours. I am taking ownership of my life and damage I caused other people. I am writing about abuse I encountered by a crazed mother and abusive relationships… therapy, survival, children that I birthed and MY struggles not yours. I am not going to disclose my friend’s abortions or children THEY gave up for adoption because it would disgrace them. I am not going to disclose anything that would jeopardize my friends’ careers. I am not going to share secrets publicly. SO stop worrying I am not that type of friend. All of you concerned may leave my life and if you choose to come back when you are not embarrassed or upset with me I will be here with open arms.
I also hate ! hate ! hate the word victim; it seems so defeating to hear, and I don’t feel like a victim. My friend of over 25 ears recently said , ” Becki you are a victim you just don’t have victim mentality.” I still don’t even like that. Sometimes Survivor doesn’t even feel like a title that fits me. Because of the SEVERE abuse I experienced as a child for years and parents that did not love or know how to show love, I had a hard time figuring life out, especially when it came to relationships, whether it was a friendship or an intimate relationship. I made poor choices with both, that led to even additional abuse because that was what I knew.
I am still the same person everyone loved, would offer my home to many friends when they needed a place to live, and would loan thousands of dollars to when asked without question. Becki is still the same Becki who, each week would have to decide where and who’s house to visit for a BBQ or gathering , concert or weekend getaway or possibly a motorcycle ride. Each and every weekend the invites were endless. My heart has only changed for me because now I am truthful. I am a better person now, but I am still the same fun loving Becki that you always knew.
Today , however I am upset with someone….. who continues to make death threats to me and wants me to ” burn in hell soon” and that is hiding under false email accounts. When told that I can release information and posts, I will most definitely post those comments for all to read. By the way, for those who don’t know, there is only 3 not a mass amount. The abuse continues … Just a different family member .