The last couple weeks have been once again busy and crazy.Our daughter had a serious car accident and we have a new house guest from India. During the chaos, I fell behind on writing and my routine which includes OCD cleaning. My house must be clean in order for me to feel comfortable and relax while sitting at a computer and spilling my guts to the world.
Yesterday I decided it was time to tackle the upstairs dust , clean the bathrooms etc. and the grand finale of combing , bathing and blow drying our cat, which needs assistance from Ronnie.
While cleaning the master bedroom bathroom I was listening to the TV program Headline News. The trial of Jodi Arias was being televised. Jodi is the woman from Arizona accused of stabbing her former boyfriend 29 times and then shooting him. For the past week or so I have watched about two hours of the trial. Yesterday Jodi was testifying and I heard her say she was beat by her Mother with a belt and wooden spoon when she was young. My attention was immediately captured. These were my own Mother’s favorite weapons when she would beat me. Many a wooden spoon were broke across my body growing up.
For about an hour or so I sat at on the edge of the bed watching Jodi Arias testify. Jodi’s mannerisms reminded me of my own Mother’s when I had my day in court with her. Jodi’s eyes also had the same evil and emptiness that I remember in my Mother’s eyes. Jodi also is close to the same age that my Mother was when she lost custody of me for being so abusive. Jodi is 33 my Mother was 34.
I found myself sucked in and absorbed with Jodi. She has not been proven guilty yet, but I feel she is a calculated actress, very callous, and seeming mousey and without remorse on the witness stand. The same way I remember my Mother.
The hour or so watching Jodi took me to that dark place again of being abused, the wooden spoons, the belt beatings, and, eventually being stabbed. I lived a real-life nightmare, and the harsh reality is this last 6 months since I left my career have been rough. I have never had time to heal, or think about what had happened to me, I was in constant survival mode most of my life.
Most of yesterday, my thoughts drifted to comparing Jodi to my Mother, and then to being thankful to still be alive. Finally, I went to bed trying to escape from the thoughts that ran through my head all day. I woke up from a terrible nightmare sweating and felt like I was trying to scream and could not. In the nightmare Ronnie and I had moved to Arizona and there was a knock at the door. I answered the door and there stood my Mother hand in hand with Jodi Arias, both of them laughing at me.It scared the crap out of me. Very rarely do I ever remember my dreams.
For a few minutes I laid in bed gathering my thoughts and catching my breath.Then I got out of bed.It was only 12:30am. I went downstairs to the outside patio to get some fresh air. When I stepped out onto the patio there were 4 eyes glaring at me. I jumped backwards and flipped the patio light on. Scurrying away were two raccoons. My heart was racing. I then stepped on a worm . Yuck!It made me laugh. What a day!!
I read online about recovering from child abuse for an hour or so. It’s going to be a lifetime process, and I am on the road to recovery. There are many blessings in my life….I am alive and I was able to feel the squished worm on my foot that in itself, after being stabbed is a blessing.
What I realized is that before I feel asleep, I forgot to say rainbows, unicorns and sparkles. Which is a saying I always tell my Grandson to think of before he falls asleep at our house.