Jodi Arias, A Wooden Spoon, and My Mother

The last couple weeks have been once again busy and crazy.Our daughter had a serious car accident and we have a new house guest from India. During the chaos, I fell behind on writing and my routine which includes OCD cleaning. My house must be clean in order for me to feel comfortable and relax while sitting at a computer and spilling my guts to the world.

Yesterday I decided it was time to tackle the upstairs dust , clean the bathrooms etc. and the grand finale of combing , bathing and blow drying our cat, which needs assistance from Ronnie.

While cleaning the master bedroom bathroom I was listening to the TV program Headline News. The trial of Jodi Arias was being televised. Jodi is the woman from Arizona accused of stabbing her former boyfriend 29 times and then shooting him. For the past week or so I have watched about two hours of the trial. Yesterday Jodi was testifying and I heard her say she was beat by her Mother with a belt and wooden spoon when she was young. My attention was immediately captured. These were my own Mother’s favorite weapons when she would beat me. Many a wooden spoon were broke across my body growing up.

For about an hour or so I sat at on the edge of the bed watching Jodi Arias testify. Jodi’s mannerisms reminded me of my own Mother’s when I had my day in court with her. Jodi’s eyes also had the same evil and emptiness that I remember in my Mother’s eyes. Jodi also is close to the same age that my Mother was when she lost custody of me for being so abusive. Jodi is 33 my Mother was 34.

I found myself sucked in and absorbed with Jodi. She has not been proven guilty yet, but I feel she is a  calculated actress, very callous, and seeming mousey and without remorse on the witness stand. The same way I remember my Mother.

The hour or so watching Jodi took me to that dark place again of being abused, the wooden spoons, the belt beatings, and, eventually being stabbed. I lived a real-life nightmare, and the harsh reality is this last 6 months since I left my career have been rough. I have never had time to heal, or think about what had happened to me, I was in constant survival mode most of my life.

Most of yesterday, my thoughts drifted to comparing Jodi to my Mother, and then to being thankful to still be alive. Finally, I went to bed trying to escape from the thoughts that ran through my head all day. I woke up from a terrible nightmare sweating and felt like I was trying to scream and could not. In the nightmare Ronnie and I had moved to Arizona and there was a knock at the door. I answered the door and there stood my Mother hand in hand with Jodi Arias, both of them laughing at me.It scared the crap out of me. Very rarely do I ever remember my dreams.

For a few minutes I laid in bed gathering my thoughts and catching my breath.Then I got out of bed.It was only 12:30am. I went downstairs to the outside patio to get some fresh air. When I stepped out onto the patio there were 4 eyes glaring at me. I jumped backwards and flipped the patio light on. Scurrying away were two raccoons. My heart was racing. I then stepped on a worm . Yuck!It made me laugh. What a day!!

I read online about recovering from child abuse for an hour or so. It’s going to be a lifetime process, and I am on the road to recovery. There are many blessings in my life….I am alive and I was able to feel the squished worm on my foot that in itself, after being stabbed is a blessing.

What I realized is that before I feel asleep, I forgot to say rainbows, unicorns and sparkles. Which is a saying I always tell my Grandson to think of before he falls asleep at our house.

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9 Responses to Jodi Arias, A Wooden Spoon, and My Mother

  1. I hope that your daughter is okay. I’m sorry things have been so terribly painful for you. I understand being in survival mode, I’ve just been coming out of it the last couple years which means I’ve begun to feel, and reality is setting in, it’s so very painful but what keeps me going is those moment I feel immense freedom, like when an particular pain of the past finally lets me go. I’m thinking of you xo

    • Survival mode sucks bad. During the last 6 months the positive is I am able to direct the anger where it should be. Most of the time I feel as if I am walking around in a fog waiting for the sun to shine. One of my blessings is that I am able to feel pain. My daughter is getting better daily thank you. Thinking of you and sending you love.. We are in it to win it !

      • It does suck bad! I’m glad your daughter is recovering. It sounds like you are moving forward a baby step at a time, which is huge!
        We are definitely going to win this because abuse can’t!

  2. prewitt1970 says:

    So many things to address, OCD level cleaning check I’m with ya on that, but I tend to flow in big waves from clinic clean to a little messy. Wooden spoons and rulers were the weapon of choice at my house, I was speaking to another person familiar with abuse the other day about it, I’ve had more spoons and rulers broken over my ass I couldn’t even begin to count. Any how your personal story I still and will always be an inspiration for many.

  3. Haha I am in clinic clean mode at the moment… Oh the darn rulers I forgot about those weapons. Especially with the metal edge… There were a few broken yard sticks wielded my way also. Benjamin thanks for the support

  4. Lori Lara says:

    I’m floored by your story. I’m even more floored by your resiliancy. I’m only two posts into your blog, but I can already tell that you are the picture of what happens when trauma meets someone who refuses to remain a victim. I’m so glad you found my blog – I’m looking forward to getting to know you better. Blessings and comfort to you, my new blog friend…

  5. Thank you Lori, I am so sorry about your Mother. Blessings and comfort to you as well. I appreciate you following my blog. Hopefully I can get my mind in the right space to dedicate more time to the blog !

  6. sandra gann says:

    Get some help for your cleaning addiction as that flows over into every area of your life,and everyone that you connect with. Sit down and make list of good versus the children. Once you make a commitment, stick to it. Even if you have to involve the law. You are to emotional to help yourself. Call Dr. Phil. They definitely need serious help. I’ve seen it .I’m not for for corporal punishment but a firm No means no. Yes mean we will discuss it. it Good luck.

  7. Thanks for the feedback Sandra. Dr. Phil has already contacted me. I am not ready for his show yet soon though.

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