This Love Affair Is Over

We first met during a 4-H weekend retreat. One of the older girls in the group introduced us. It was not love at first sight then, in fact you actually made me sick to my stomach. I felt gross and nauseated , I was only 14 years old.

Then the next year you came back around again. We re-connected while driving down Route 34  in my friend Stacy Johnson’s car. My Mother hated you and Stacy, she  forbid me from being with either of you. I didn’t care what my Mother thought I wanted you in my life.

I remember when my Mother found you, It was in the middle of the night. My mother came in my room to close the windows because a storm had rolled in and it was pouring rain. She found you in my room sitting in the window sill, Mom slammed the window waking me up and screamed for Gene to come into my room. I was frightened scared to death but willing to take the beating for you and I .

My mother grabbed the belt and lashed at me over and over until finally Gene intervened and made her stop. Mom was screaming at me, saying how horrible you were and that because of you I now am a nasty dirty bitch.  Gene grabbed the belt and stopped her from attacking me . I sobbed and went back to sleep

Our Love would last , you and I were together again when we went to live with my Father. Dad was not fond of you but he did not forbid us from being together.  Dad ended up enjoying your company even more then I did.

For years to come you helped me survive the reality of daily life . Many dark lonely nights we sat on the patio together wondering and wishing life was different , crying about mistakes we made , friends we had lost and grieving family members that had abandoned us. During our quiet intimate moments we also relived all the good times we shared, trips we took and how fortunate we were.

You met all my friends there were only a few I kept you from. But they knew you existed.

Friends , family members and Doctors tried many times to tear us apart saying we were no good for each other.  I would try and live without you but I couldn’t do it.  We always found our way back to each other.

Recently I started falling out of love with you , I am stronger and different now. I have grown and my life is changing . I realized you just didn’t fit in anymore and were part of the old baggage that I had . Sorry that I had to walk out on you that night at our friends house, leaving you sitting at their table. It was time and this time the decision was mine.

We have not been together for awhile now and its been hard , many sleepless nights without you.  For days after I asked you to leave , I missed your smell and the way you comforted me.

Goodbye Mr. Cigarette we had a long committed love affair. From time to time I will think of you and all we shared together.

More then cigarettes I miss my beautiful Nalla Cat . It’s been almost two months since she passed away. Wish I had her back for one more day.

This entry was posted in beaten by mother, Child Abuse, cigarette cravings, cigarette withdrawl, Depression, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family Relationships, Family Secrets, Healing and Recovery, Life's Blessings and Joys, Mental Health, PTSD, Toxic Relationships, Traumatic Experiences, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to This Love Affair Is Over

  1. prewitt1970 says:

    Good for you!!! Ive tried and tried, but my love affair still clings, did make it a month once.
    Bravo to you.

  2. Thank you , the first 6 days were hell. It is a tough one to let go of , I am here for support when you are ready.

  3. Quitting is so hard but worth it! I quit cold turkey 17 years ago, I still get the odd cravings.

  4. Yes it is hard makes a person crazy for the first week !!! I feel much better as far as circulation in my leg that was causing me so much grief.. I am out of sync with writing as my head is still a bit foggy.

  5. Well done and I totally relate to the loss of your love affair. I said goodbye to my ciggy love affair just on two years ago. I consider myself a smoker who chooses not to smoke, just like an alcoholic. I LOVE the smell of smoke, even now, and have slipped a couple of times. But it is worth it! Good luck!

    • Thank you.. Good for you on the 2 years that’s awesome.. Thanks for reading my blog yours is great. Why can’t I express myself in words the way you do. Have a great night.

      • Umm Becki, I am in complete awe of how you write! You had me hanging onto the end to see who your love affair was with. I know others may have guessed it was the ciggy affair, I didn’t though. Thank you for the compliment! You too have a great nite 🙂

  6. Sheila Schlicht says:

    Awesome…on many levels 🙂

  7. Sheila , as you know its a rough one at first. But I am good now today is actually the best day so far. my eyes are feeling back to normal and I am not as shaky. The coffee and alcohol were a piece of cake. Now I am ready to get my self in shape again and my goal is to run a 5k in Arizona next year!! Love ya and as always thanks for the support.

  8. Lori Lara says:

    I’m so sorry about your cat. 😦
    Good for you for stopping smoking. That’s a HUGE accomplishment, and such a great step in the healing direction.

  9. I miss Nalla everyday and her unconditional love. I am so happy to be a non-smoker !!!!

  10. Cathy says:

    Great twist to this post!

  11. Melanie says:

    How do you feel about quitting now that you have sent your good-bye letter? Did it help? I don’t know if there are stages of quitting, but I went through anger, then fog, then hunger, and now I’m having the wildest dreams. It’s crazy. I haven’t dreamed like this in years.

  12. Hi Melanie ,
    Today was better then yesterday as far as cravings. My eyes still seem foggy and my mind wanders to some very dark places I don’t want to be in. There was quite a bit of that yesterday until my daughter and grandson arrived and then I snapped out of it. I have had the wild dreams for a few days. I probably should not mention on here but what the heck. I had a dream that my son slit my neck and I was unable to scream and woke up in a panic. I got out of bed and looked to see if alarm pad was enabled in our room it scared me so much. The letter did help.

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