Pardon Me For Killing You

Quite a few years ago and after I was stabbed, I served  on a Board Of Director’s as the Chair Person Of Fundraising for a Domestic Violence Resource Center.

I also worked tirelessly on a campaign for a friend and mentor that was seeking a seat in the United States House Of Representatives. My friend was victorious and she became an icon in Oregon fighting the fight against domestic violence and child abuse.

Between holding my chair position, dedicating long hours to my friend’s campaign, working full time and raising my sons I was exhausted. I was honored and humbled that the “prestigious people” wanted my assistance and voice. I was even invited as a VIP to a Governors election night party at a swanky hotel in downtown Portland. This Governor was elected and I was very proud to be a guest at his party. In fact years later he was elected again and is our Governor today.

All the political hoopla I became involved with was  entertaining interesting. What really interested me during this time of hobnobbing outside of my normal social network was women in prison for killing their abusive partner’s.

Yep that was my interest and still is. My opinion is most of these women should be released from prison. They should be pardoned.Most of the victims of child abuse that killed a parent or parents after years of abuse, should be released from prison. Please note, I am talking about a case by case basis here and I said “most.”

I often wondered when I was being stabbed, had I been able to over power my attacker and kill him would I be in prison? Had I made the decision to challenge my mother in one of her rages and beat her to death would I be in prison?

There are many women in prison who defended themselves and killed their abusive partners in the heat of a battle.There are children that suffered horrendous abuse for years. These children were unable to suffer through another beating and killed their parents.

I never thought about killing my attacker when he stabbed me because there never was a violent episode before the attack. I did however many times over and over think about killing my mother.

The first time I had thoughts about killing my mother I was 13 years old. She had kicked me in the head, stomach, legs, back and punched me in the ear and blackened my eye. She attacked me in our basement family room. I had moved her needle point project off the couch to lay down and somehow the ring she used around her needle point project came loose.

After the beating as usual I was told what a horrible rotten bitch I was and sent to my room. I laid on my bed crying, quietly of course with thoughts of killing her racing through my head. That day was the day that I realized she would never ever change and never love me. She hated me and I was certain she would eventually one day not just beat me but kill me.

I wanted her dead and to rot. The pictures in my head were horrible.. mom dead.. laying in a field with vultures tearing her evil body to shreds. But how would I kill her? I wasn’t even able to defend myself against her. I was petrified of her. The thoughts of killing would escape my mind when I thought of how my brothers would miss her. That if I killed her she would win because I would be in prison. I also feared the site of a dead person more then I feared my mothers beatings. So killing her was out of the question.

My mom was also a drunk, she drank vodka daily so maybe she would get drunk and drown or fall down in her drunkenness and hit her head. Or maybe choke on her vomit when she would start throwing up. I wished all these scenarios on her. But I couldn’t do it because my heart was not capable of taking her away from her mother or her sons.

There are two cases I worked feverishly on for these women to be released from prison for killing their partners. One was successful and one was not. I often wondered would I have been released or pardoned for killing my mom.

I have tremendous anger toward my mother, especially after talking with childhood friends from Illinois that were unaware of why I left the state. There are still many people that do not know the truth but because of this blog they are finding out. I want to make it very clear that I was never a prostitute nor was I ever arrested for prostituting.My mother was not called to the morgue in Chicago every time a prostitute was killed to potentially identify me as the victim. This story was told to countless friends and family members that live in Illinois by my mother. Police detectives do not do that !!

I never threatened my mother with a ‘shotgun” and said I was going to kill her. I have never once called her and threatened her life and caused her to seek police protection. In fact I have not called her since 1982.  I also do not have any warrants for my arrest in Illinois, another story my mother told to relatives of my step-fathers in an attempt to keep them away from me.

And to all of you in Oregon that I told my mother had died. To me she did 31 years ago. However she is very much alive and will be 70 years old July 10, 2013. My step-mother passed away, but the bitch woman that birthed me is very much alive. She reads this blog and it is the truth and exploiting her that is my revenge. She is tagged in my blog so if she was to be googled by name my blog will appear. I have just began to deal with her and the abuse and I am very angry. I hope one day to find peace from her killing me.

Please consider voting to expand the definition of justifiable homicide.

This post was wrote in haste and is un-edited. for that I apologize.  

This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Depression, Dysfunctional Family Relationships, google, narcissist, prison, PTSD, Traumatic Experiences and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Pardon Me For Killing You

  1. Lori Lara says:

    Becki, I’m so sorry you were abused by your mother. My heart is broken. I felt like crying as I read your post, and yet I felt like cheering because you’re not putting up with it any longer. People like you stop the cycle of abuse and you bring healing to the victims who can’t yet stand up for themselves. There’s an insidiuos shame associated with being abused by one’s mom or dad or family, and a spell of shame is cast long before a child is aware it’s happening. You are breaking that wicked enchantment and you’re bringing light into the darkness. May your voice ring loudly and the power of your life be a beacon to all those who suffer horrible crimes. Redemption is more powerful than abuse – and you’re living it.

    I love your fortitude and honesty,and I believe your story will help save lives. Continued resolve to you, sister. You’re a force to be reckoned with – and I’m honored to witness and support your journey.

    I pray for support and love for you as you process the righteous anger that comes with being abused. You will work through it, and you will be freed from it.

  2. I appreciate your comment and support.. Some days I feel like crawling in a cave, then I receive an email from a reader or a phone call from a relative or friend and I rally:) Some of the stories that have been shared since I started blogging are heart wrenching. Redemption is more powerful …. our abusers never imagined there would be an internet or Facebook 🙂 LOL.. Lately there has been so much anger and sadness in my heart..

  3. AR Neal says:

    Yes, stay rallied, Becki! The concept of lashing back is one that I think only a few of the women and children who suffer abuse actually take on. The anger, for many of us (and I count myself in that number) is only counteracted by fear and so we are not on the other side of the bars wondering if anyone is working to get us free. Bless you for doing and championing this work, for those who are behind bars for real and inside their (our) heads.

    • Many of us have chose to escape those prison bars that hold our thoughts, fear and anger. I wish when I was a small child someone would of helped me to escape. My anger has been increasing. I am supposed to visit Illinois in August and I have fear of doing so. I will be to close to where my mom lives.

      • AR Neal says:

        Amen! I remember the first time I went back to where my first husband was from after he died. I took someone with me who didn’t actually know all the crap but who was safe. Are you able to bring along someone trusted? If not, I pray that the angels attend you and keep any harm at bay!

  4. Sometimes blogging in the heat of the moment is really good, this shows the wickedness of your mother and what pain she has caused you in every way. People need to know…I agree, women who kill their abusers in self defense should not go to jail!! Big hugs Becki!! xo

  5. I agree Zoe , awaiting the grammar Nazis to swarm on me LOL…

  6. Susan Sigmund says:

    I think I speak for your family, at the time none of us could have imagined what was going on behind closed doors. I feel saddened when I think of how many of us at the time could have saved you.Uncle Bill and I lived blocks from you at that time. Many family members just across town, or a couple of miles away, and yet not close enough to stop what was happening to a innocent girl.It sickens me when I think of what you went through. I wish I could take away the anger you are carrying around in your heart…you see , she is renting space in your heart…evict her…..her lease is up…Aunt Sue

  7. Aunt Sue , I do not blame any of you.. I think in the end when my brother was killed the real Jan and Gene surfaced to all the family. My brother was their favorite and could do no wrong and he was taken at such a young age. I hate to say it but I will… KARMA… She abused me and then a few years later the child she nurtured and worshiped was gone. It had to of ran through her mind when he died. My anger will diminish some of it already has. Thanks for caring and I appreciate all your support. XXOO

  8. Incredible post- (excellent writing, by the way, considering that you wrote it in “haste”). I always think there is such healing in pulling things out into the open. To me, it always feels as if the physicality of expression and creation of art (your blog) somehow signals a state of transformation. And there is power in this act; where before we may feel powerless and vulnerable.

    • Kimberly , I am going to have a few posts that will be written in “haste’ commas will be missing, grammar will be poor , etc. The emails I received after this post were very positive and several readers felt that they were in the same room with me having a heart to heart. Again I have been worrying to much about the grammar police criticizing me instead of just writing. Thank you so much for following me.

  9. Ebony Brown says:

    Wow Becki! Daaayum! I’m sitting here collecting my shredded cerebellum, while a million thoughts, disconnected, are running rampant under my skull, pressuring my mind and to unite them. Where do I start? What do I say first? Part of me wants to hug you with the entirety of my being and absorb all of your hurt and injustice, and then find my way to a magical bathroom and flush it all away for you – impossible, I know, and so I send a virtual hug. Part of me wants to wave a big, red, giant, stop sign and remind you that success is the best revenge, that success is the best revenge, that Success IS the BEST revenge (you know this already, I’m sure), and that things done, including written, or spoken with malice, or any bit of intent to hurt (as per “revenge”), even though you were once harmed, can potentially cycle back around, and perpetuate some unwelcome Karma, the negative kind. So part of me, is right here with you championing your self expression and release, and another part of me, is unsettled and struggling with the notion of revenge that you’ve mentioned. Reading your entry felt like I was sitting in your living room and you were candidly confiding in me, and so I’m so grateful to be in your virtual company, here on your blog. A fearless writer, a strong woman, a survivor, I look forward to more of your posts and your continued healing and transformation.

    • Why oh why can’t I have your eloquent writing skills. I do know success is the best revenge. For 16 years I was incredibly blessed with great success in my professional career . Maybe I should not have used the word revenge. I appreciate your feedback and taking the time to respond with concern.

      • Ebony Brown says:

        Oh shush, you have great writing skills! You’re so funny. I’m glad the feedback was useful and you’re welcome, anytime! 16 years of being blessed with GREAT success professionally is a dream! Kudos! Some folks are lucky IF they’re able to say that they even have a Jay.Oh.Bee (JOB), or a livable income, let alone, a career. You know what…Yep…you actually do know, “what” ….its simply that, I love your blog because its so honest, so raw, so right to the point. How could anyone not appreciate that?

  10. Pingback: Beautiful Blogger Award | Sustainably Single Parenting

  11. Sometimes, the unedited ones are the posts that speak most from the heart.
    I am so sorry that you have a parent like that. It is horrible. I am glad you no longer deal with her.
    I can also understand why you would tell people she was dead.

  12. I totally concur with what you say here, no one-at least the majority of the time- will protect the weaker from those that prey like animals upon them. Nothing is done until something extreme happens and then it is the victim that gets blamed. At the least this woman could admit she has a problem. It is always someone else s fault and always someone helpless. Just so wrong.
    I want to let you know that I discovered your blog on community pool today and it the first blog I have found that I am going to have to make myself stop hitting on random posts and reading another.. I have been very sick for a month and you just amaze me and are helping take my mind off my own difficulties.

    • Thank you so much for the nice comments and for following my blog. I hope soon you are able to overcome your illness. I am glad I can take your mind off your own troubles if only for a moment. Get better soon!

  13. duffy1958 says:

    Thank you for writing this blog. Wow Babe! I can not imagine how you survived the physical attacks. She sounds like a horrid person, the person you should be able to count on first, your mom? If I could give you a big hug and let you sob for that little girl, I would. My heart goes out to you sister! I applaud your bravery. It isn’t easy, this abuse shit. Following your blog now! Nice to meet you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s