Dealing With…Having Never Dealt With It

I am finally on the mend. It’s been a long two weeks recovering from being sick and having sutures. Pneumonia really took a toll on me, and I was without any energy or motivation. With every negative there is always a positive and I spent my down time journaling, the old-fashioned way, with a pen and my journal.

On August 3rd it will be a year since I walked away from a 16 year career. This is the first time I have had 10 months to reflect on my 51 years of existence. Prior to August 3, 2012, life flew by. I rarely experienced time alone, even in my darkest years. Those dark years were consumed with just trying to survive.

I now am attempting to deal with and process what I never took the time to deal with or process. The dark days, black moods, anxious feelings, fear, and years of abuse.

I find myself so angry with people that tell me to just forget about it, don’t think about it, put the past in the past and move on. I am told be happy with who you are, who you have become and what you accomplished. To me that is bullshit.

It took years before I could ever talk about it, to recognize the storm that was festering in my being and swallowing me up. The feelings that suffocate and choke me. The reality I never wanted to acknowledge or face head-on because it could require me to feel, and cry and cry.

The pain of knowing my mother hated me from birth and wondering why. The pain from a childhood of beatings and being told I am worthless. The pain from my mother telling me she wished I was dead and hated the sight of me. The pain from not a single person recognizing what was going on in my home and removing me from that horror. The anxiety I experienced daily when I would wake up as a young girl and wonder how bad my day would be. How can I just forget about it? I am just now dealing with it.

These last couple weeks of being sick I have gained a lot of insight. I answered some of my own questions. I entered what I can only explain as a labyrinth.

In the early 1970’s I was a member of our local 4-H group. Not many of my classmates joined 4-H; they thought of 4-H as a club for nerds. For me it was an escape off of Corri Lane and the house of horror, if only for a few hours each week. I was around loving adults (my 4-H leaders) that praised my 4-H projects and smiled…. Adults that actually smiled AT me and praised me. It was wonderful, and each week the time with my 4-H group passed too quickly. I was happy, if only for a few hours.

Each year, my 4-H group would go to camp and meet up with other 4-H chapters. My mother allowed me to attend camp 2 years in a row. I remember the first year I wanted to attend the camp. At the end of one of my weekly 4-H meetings we were all handed a sign up sheet for camp by our leader. I signed my name on the list. I was given an enrollment packet to take home to my parents. There was a list of all items campers needed to bring. The usual requests a sleeping bag, pillow, bug spray, rain jacket, walking shoes, etc. Along with insurance info and a check for $80.00. The check would cover transportation to and from the camp and five days for food and craft supplies. Also there was a general store at camp so if we wanted to purchase snacks, trinkets, or post cards we could bring spending money.

I returned home from 4-H and gave my mother the enrollment packet. She threw it on the counter and told me no I couldn’t go to camp. I said, “why can’t I go?”She told me because there was not any money for camp and I did not deserve to go. I told her that I had money in my bank account and I would pay my own way. She still refused.

I went to my room and quietly cried. I knew we had money for me to attend camp. I wanted to go so bad. At some point in the next few days my mother told me that she may let me go to camp if I was to complete a huge list of chores. I didn’t care how long the chore list was I was willing to do whatever she asked to be able to attend camp. I did everything on the list she asked. The day of my next 4-H meeting I asked my mother if I could get the $40.00 deposit and the signed form to take with me and turn in to my 4-H leader. She refused stating that she never said I could go, only that she would consider it. I left without my signed form.

When I arrived at the 4-H meeting all the other members turned in their completed forms. When I was asked for mine I told my leader I would bring it next time. I returned home and resolved myself to the fact that I would not be able to go to camp. Within a few more days my mother asked if I wanted to go to camp. I told her that I very much wanted to go. My next 4-H meeting I had a signed form and a deposit for camp waiting for me on the kitchen counter.

Over the next few weeks before camp, I more then made that $80.00 in additional chores and was constantly threatened that at anytime she could decide to change her mind. It was absolute torture. I now recognize that, and just realized these past couple weeks my mother was emotionally torturing me. Why would any mother want to do that to a child? I was only 11 years old!

Of course, when the day came for me to go to camp, I was threatened the entire drive to where I was to meet all the other campers and board the bus. I was told that I better not tell anyone anything that went on in our house. I was told how much I did not deserve camp.

When we arrived all the other campers mothers and or fathers were hugging their children, some parents crying that they would miss their kids. Some blowing kisses to their children who boarded the bus. My mother simply told me that the bus better be on time when she returned to pick me up or I would be in trouble. So for the next five days I had to worry about what would happen if the bus was late. Thankfully, in the end, the bus was on time.

I still have not figured out why she let me go to camp and then again the following year. My best guess would be that if I did not attend it would be an embarrassment to her for not letting me.

When I was in the 8th grade we had a test called the Constitution test. If a student passed the constitution test there was a trip to Washington D.C.  that each student would be eligible for. I earned an A on that test and my mother told me if I earned an A I would be able to go. In the end after months of the same emotional torture I had going to 4-H camp she changed her mind. I was not allowed to go. When my mother asked me what reason I gave my teacher and friends for not taking the trip to Washington D.C., I told her that my parents did not have the money for me to go. That was the reason my mom gave me, even though I knew it was not the truth. I had the money in my savings account to go. My mother beat me for telling that reason to my teacher and friends because she now would be embarrassed. I was grounded to my bedroom the entire time my classmates were in D.C.

It’s taken me many years to figure out why my mother did these mean cruel acts to me. But I now realize it was to emotionally torture me. She hated me, she hated my father, and she wanted either to make me go crazy and be institutionalized, or what I believe to be the truth, she wanted me to commit suicide. I think that she felt if she drilled into my head how much she wanted me dead. What a worthless piece of shit I was, how I would never amount to anything I would just silently kill myself.

She didn’t get either of her wishes…. I am sure the internet and social media are now her worst nightmare, outside of the fact that I am alive.

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This entry was posted in beaten by mother, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family Relationships, Family Secrets, hope, Traumatic Experiences, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Dealing With…Having Never Dealt With It

  1. AR Neal says:

    There is absolutely no reason why you should “forget about it,” etc. etc. These things happened to you and by sharing them you are helping others recognize their own experiences. So many people want the world to be a nice and neat little package when in fact that is not the case for all of us. Thank you for your willingness to shine a light on your experiences. And it’s so good to hear that you are on the mend, girl! Welcome back 🙂 Missed you!!

    • I agree forgetting about it resolves nothing. I need to work through the pain. What I have done for years is self destruct, which in turn hurt others. I have to work through it , find peace within myself. Yes !! I am on the mend and have just one other medical condition to conquer. It feels good to be back and read blogs and emails from so many supporters without the double vision I was experiencing from the meds. Have a beautiful evening and thanks for your support and encouraging words.

  2. JackieP says:

    I didn’t press ‘like’ because I liked this, I pressed it because I applaud you for coming forth and realizing what was happening. My mother strongly disliked me growing up, still dislikes me all though she hides it better and I’m very far away from her. I empathize with you, I truly do. Stay strong.

    • Jackie I am glad you are away from her. I am only the west coast and my mother is in Illinois. The past couple weeks have been very enlightening, I am figuring it out and beginning to understand what she was doing to me. The only answer WHY? Is because she hated me. Recently members of my step-fathers side of the family and people that lived in the same area i grew up have been filling me in on so much. People are now telling me how strange she acted , that they knew something was going on in my home but didn’t know what. People knew back then that she was miserable and mentally ill but just let it go. I hope you and others take the time to work through the pain as hard as it is. I am gaining strength by hitting it head on.

      • JackieP says:

        I feel you are doing the right thing. That’s the only way I figured things out myself, but hitting it head on. It hurts yet heals at the same time. I know why my mother dislikes me. I never understood before. Now I just shrug and move on. Baby steps when you are ready.

    • Jackie, thanks I appreciate the validation and support. When I write a post I cry and then when I am done I am numb. its a roller coaster of emotions. I feel all these monsters should be exposed.

  3. Susan Sigmund says:

    I still see you as that little girl…in my heart. Sorry isn’t enough to express how I feel, for what you went through…I know you detest being thought of as a victim . As you recount your experiences, it does bring it to the surface, and causes you to relive it yet again. As you gain your inner peace my payer for you is , all the pain leaves you , and in it’s place you you have a balance in your mind, body, and spirit,

    • Aunt Sue you are right I hate the word victim. I was a victim at one time but not any more. The past 10 months I have had my ups and downs, but I am healing. Slowly but I am. Ronnie and I are making progress on our future and where we want to be. Now we just need to leave 🙂 Thanks for caring, I love you.

  4. Susan Sigmund says:

    That was prayer

  5. I’m so so sorry for the torture your mother put you through, it’s in humane. Sending love your way xo

    • The psychological Zoe at times is even worse then the physical. I wish she would of left me at the hospital for adoption when I was born. I always dream about how my life would of been much different with another family. It surely could not of been worse.

  6. goldfish says:

    I can’t relate. I spent my whole life not dealing with it either and I’m just now trying. Anyone who says forget about it, just be happy hasn’t a damn clue.

    • goldfish says:

      Oops. “I can relate.”

    • It is so easy for people to say that. There are so many people in this world now and before me that experienced far worse situations then I, but for me what I went through was hard and very unfair. I want to be a healthy whole person for the first time in my life. it has not helped me by sweeping it under the rug and pretending and lying to others that it never happened. I am here for me if you need me. We can conquer this with love and help from others.

      • goldfish says:

        Thanks, Becki. Same here.

        There are always people who’ve had it worse than us, but it’s not a competition. Messed up is messed up. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. I’m not there yet, but we can’t forget until we process it, and the only way to do that is to deal with it head on. Talking about it helps. Not being alone helps.

        Instead of ignoring your problems, ignore those people who tell you to just forget. 🙂

      • Now that was very well said.

        XXOO
        Becki

  7. Oh yes I do Zoe, actually a psychiatrist. What is sad is I now have Kaiser insurance and will need to see one on our new provider list. Change is hard for me. But maybe a new chapter in my healing.

  8. Lisa Grzanich says:

    Every time I read one of your posts I feel so guilty. I feel like I should have recognized what was going on and did something. I am so sorry you had to endure such torture. No one deserves to be treated that way. I am thankful you have Ronnie and your new life in Oregon. (?) Can’t remember which state you live in~ sorry. But I do think about you now and pray for your healing. Just remember what goes around, comes around. Your mother will get her just reward on judgement day! I believe she is enduring some emotional strain as we speak. Your blog and pending book must be a constant reminder of her sins. Do you ever hear anything about her reactions to your current actions? Just curious. Again, I am sorry and would love to see you sometime if you ever return to Illinois. (not that you should because of the memories it would stir)

    Love you,
    Lisa

    • Hi Lisa,
      Thank you for commenting on my blog and following my journey. There is no need for you to have guilt. You were only 14 years old when I left. Feel happy that I was able to identify that my mother was not healthy, and what I was experiencing was not the norm. I was able to escape her abuse because of seeing families like yours. I knew that the violence that was going on in my home was not what my friends had to deal with. My friends had mothers that hugged their daughters praised and encouraged their daughters and supported their dreams. Members of the Meier family have filled me in on quite a bit, so yes I do know that Jan is disconnected from them for various reasons. She despises them for having contact with me. They thought I was dead. Jan never discussed why I left. They had no idea that she was proved an unfit parent and lost custody. They were only told I ran away, or just left and no explanation why. I guess asking any questions about me was taboo, and Gene made that clear to his family. So I was not brought up in conversation. Ronnie and I are planning a trip to Illinois in mid August and I would love to see you as well. I can email you the details. I will be reuniting with most of the Meier family at a family event. The emotional triggers I once experienced when returning to Illinois are now gone. I have been back so many times in the last 10 years that I have made new happy memories. However visiting Corri Lane would probably stir up to many emotions. I never want to see the house I grew up in. Give your mom, dad, Lorna and Lynn my best. Again thank you for your support and I hope we could get together for a couple hours this summer. I have your email address and can email you the dates I will be in Sandwich. Have a beautiful summer Lisa.
      Becki
      XXXOOO

  9. It amazes me someone could behave so evil toward their own flesh and blood. Sick and demented. I hope the truth now coming out will mess her u or she would see and admit she was the one in the wrong and acted like a preying animal.Sorry you were sick

    • Evil , sick and demented is a very good description of her. She will never admit to anything. By doing so then she would have to deal with it. She is lucky that I have no desire to sue her. Attorney’s have emailed me telling me I have a case because there are documents in court records that she was proved and unfit mother because of abuse. But I never want to see her and surely don’t want anything from her. An apology is way to late. And her money would be blood money. Thanks for following me.
      Becki

  10. hinajalal says:

    how could a mom do this to her own daughter…

  11. I don’t have an answer to that question. I am not alone millions of children have had it worse then I. Especially in the generation I grew up in where it was never talked about.

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