The last few weeks I have been MIA from blogging. The new set of lacerations that I added to my collection are healing nicely, even though they are still very prevalent. The latest chest x-ray confirmed that the pneumonia is gone.
Emotionally I have been a mess since mid June. I have been in the process of interviewing new therapists. Since we now have Kaiser insurance I was no longer able to see my previous psychiatrist. This is how my Kaiser insurance plan works. The patient gets a referral from the primary care physician to meet with a psychiatrist and or therapist. In my case it does involve a psychiatrist.
The role of the psychiatrist is to discuss and monitor any medication the patient is currently taking. The psychiatrist meets with the patient for an evaluation and discuss
why you are a whack job in the first place, what brings you to their office. I would like to make it very clear to my offspring and the woman that birthed me…..I do not have schizophrenia, I am not a sociopath or a psychopath, I am not bi-polar. The diagnoses that you fabricated and labeled me with, and enjoyed telling my friends, family, employers and the community in general were wrong. I have PTSD and anxiety disorder. Had I been diagnosed with any of the aforementioned mental illnesses I neither would of been embarrassed or ashamed and I would of dealt with the illness. I probably have anger issues as well.
Excuse the rant and back to Kaiser policies … After discussing with the Kaiser psychiatrist Dr. David Verburg, why I chose to visit him on a beautiful sunny day instead of sitting in my pool. It was determined, I indeed need to continue therapy. WOW bombshell huh?
I do not take a daily medication, other then at night to sleep. I have two medications that doctor’s do not like to distribute, and I always have to argue to have these prescriptions re-filled. These pills are more like a security blanket for me vs. a daily need. Maybe one day I will get over that but for now, I have to have them and do not want them taken away. I rarely have to take these pills but just knowing they are available should I need them keeps me calm… Crazy but true.
The doctor agreed to let me keep my security blanket, and informed me ironically the same is true of many PTSD sufferers. In the end, we agreed should I need a daily medication we can re-visit that subject later. Then we discussed how to proceed with my need for therapy. The doctor told me his assistant would contact me within a day with a list of therapists that specialize in PTSD and anxiety disorder. We then scheduled an appointment for August. I left his office feeling positive.
Dr. Verburg’s assistant called me the next day with a list of potential therapists. The list only included contractors of Kaiser. I asked why, and was told by the assistant it had been discussed I needed someone outside of the network. Hmmmmm ….ok… I contacted everyone on the list. Some of them were booked to far out and it would be weeks before I could get an appointment. A few were over 30 miles away from where I lived. There were two I was interested in. I made appointments for a phone consult that would take place within 48 hours. After each phone consult it was determined by the therapist they were not a good fit… The PTSD I suffer from seemed more extensive then each felt that they would be able to help me with. I should add these therapists read portions of my blog prior to our consultations.I then called my doctors assistant and left a message requesting additional referrals.
I now was feeling very discouraged, my baggage seemed very heavy and overwhelming. Last Wednesday the assistant called me with an additional possible therapist. I called the therapist, left a message about what my needs would be for therapy, told her to read portions of my blog and if she thought we could work together call me back. Within a couple hours she called, her name is Carol and she is within 7 miles of my home. We met for the first time yesterday and I like her. She made it very clear that she only works part time, she is planning on retiring and only takes on cases that she feels is a good fit. She thought mine was interesting.
Carol read parts of my blog prior to our appointment. For the most part we discussed Anthony, the death threat, why he is was so hell bent on trying to destroy me. Carol agreed Anthony is not a person I should have a relationship with. We also talked about Anthony’s biological father and how genetics play a part of Anthony’s character.
Carol is a good fit for me and I am thankful that she has agreed to work together and continue helping me heal. I told Carol I am very serious and want to be healthy.
It is very hard reaching out to find a therapist. In fact it is an exhausting process. I found myself in a slump for weeks. I hate being in that dark place of fear in revealing all to a new person. Dr. Hamilton was my previous psychiatrist and he was amazing. I developed a strong connection with him and miss him. With our new insurance company I am no longer able to continue with Dr. Hamilton, but he gave me a great start and the courage to continue.
There is hope.
Attention grammar police, my next few posts will not be edited.. So back off.