Finally I Am Going To Talk Cake

I hate cake, not just any cake, but birthday cake. Maybe I should clarify… I hate birthday cake for my birthday. Baking and making a cake is a labor of love. When my children were young, at least a week before their birthday’s we talked cake. I wanted to know exactly what cake they would like to have for their birthday. Sometimes it was a race car cake, a ninja turtle cake, a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake, or a cake I would make from scratch. Whatever cake my children wanted for their birthday I made sure they got it.

When I grew up there was never a cake, at least not for my birthday. My brother’s always had a cake and they were able to choose whatever their little hearts desired in a cake. Their wishes always came true and they would have the perfect birthday cake. With the candles and the traditional birthday song and the….. make a wish when you blow the candles out !! Cheers, clapping, hugs, kisses..blah blah blah.

Usually it was a cake made from scratch from the woman that birthed us. Sometimes German chocolate , occasionally a character cake such as winnie the pooh. I remember an angel food cake with fresh strawberries picked from the garden for my youngest brother. Whatever the cake may be it was special and I resented it!

I now get it, as you have read in my blog, my mother hated me. She hated August 2nd with a passion, that was the day she birthed me. August 2nd was the worst day of her life. August 2nd was a reminder of all that was evil, all that destroyed her. August 2nd was the day she would have to start taking care of the child of the man that she LIED  about to so many people that had raped her. Ya’ know the one she married.. Yep that guy, my father.. I would for the rest of her life be a constant reminder of what she felt she had lost, because of me. The scholarship to college, her standing in the community.. In the 60’s the last thing a young woman wanted was to be carrying a baby around at age 18. The abortion she attempted with a coat hanger after only a few months prego didn’t work, nope… I joined her pathetic life that day on August 2nd and she hated me from the moment I arrived.

So each year as a child when August approached, the anger, the hostility escalated in my home. The reminder of my birth haunted my mother. I felt it…. I lived it, I survived it. I never asked for a cake… I knew the answer.. I did not deserve a cake, I was a bad child. Only good children were able to receive a birthday cake.

I always had gifts, usually unwrapped. August was the month prior to school starting. So my gifts consisted of school clothes. Relatives usually gave me money and told me to buy something special……. Really ???? Like my mother was going to take me to a store to purchase something special ??? Never! That money went into the bank in Yorkville that later when I moved to my fathers, my mother withdrew all that money I saved and I never saw a dime of it… that was special… Years of saving birthday and Christmas money, gone.

Back to cake… All I ever wanted was a cake, a birthday song, happy faces, and a wish. My wish would of been, with my eyes squinted ever so tightly, to have a mother that loved me, that hugged me, comforted me, and encouraged me.

And now all that know me… know why I don’t want cake and want August 2nd to just.. just .. go away.

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This entry was posted in beaten by mother, Birthdays, Child Abuse, daughters, Depression, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family Relationships, gift of love, Traumatic Experiences and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Finally I Am Going To Talk Cake

  1. Melanie says:

    Fuck her, and cake. Celebrate you. You are worth a cake, a birthday song, happy faces, and a wish.

  2. JackieP says:

    I can’t press ‘like’ as I hate that you had to go through that. I don’t like my birthdays either. My mother never liked me much. Not for the same reason and not with the same intensity. But I always knew she didn’t like me. I’m giving both of our little girls hugs. Big hugs to you and the little girl you were.

  3. goldfish says:

    Gah. I hate how parents sometime take their own decisions out on their children.

    Have a great birthday anyway, Becki.

    • I as well made poor choices as a parent.My kids would scream my poor choices from the roof tops. They have no idea what a monster birthed me and what having a horrible parent is REALLY like. I have had a great birthday, friends came to visit from Washington. I made homemade enchiladas. And tomorrow lots of our friends are coming for a BBQ. It’s been very nice. Thanks for the B-day wishes. Have a great weekend.

  4. AR Neal says:

    Oh, Becki–first, let me say “you go, girl!” for being strong.

    Second, let me say that I hope and pray you get to a point when you can reclaim your birthday for yourself. The history that came from your mom is not who you are. You are a wonderful, powerful, precious, loving, funny, fantastic, smart, beautiful woman who has gone on past incredibly terrible circumstances to become a great inspiration. The day you were born is a blessing to US. Your mom had some other stuff going on in her mind, but those things do not make you who you are. You are greater than any of that crap.

    Instead of being put off on 2 August, use it as a “nanny-nanny, boo-boo” at those who worked so hard to destroy you! Don’t give them the satisfaction of being miserable! Go out, buy yourself something nice, or have your favorite thing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (even if it’s ice cream–ice cream makes an awesome birthday breakfast!).

    Take. Your. Day. Back.

    *Hugs*

  5. Audriene says:

    You are getting a “virtual” hug right now!!!!! Shame, shame on your mom.

  6. You lived and survived that’s something to celebrate. You’re obviously here for a reason. I”m so so sorry for what the women who birthed you did to you xo

  7. Happy birthday!! I’ve lied so long and apparently so well about my age, my youngest son, kid # 4 (10) thinks I am 27 (in my best dreams ever)! My son, kid # 2 (20) looked at me and said “so you actually aged 3 years”. I am actually going to be 39 on the first of Sept. I was showing my sister a recent photo, my daughter took of me, and she said “oh where did you get a old pic of mom” 😠 Yes, I look exactly like her, and she hates me. No, we don’t see or speak to each other. I forgive and forget, but I don’t enjoy her unhealthy company, I am trying to cut loose sickos, not add! Anyway, have a great birthday, I have this feeling great things are in store for you! I know it sounds like a fortune cookie, you never know! **Do not regret growing old, it’s a privilege denied to many” – unknown.

  8. Oh boy, I do not look like my mother. I had a really great birthday and thank you. I have been really blessed lately. Thanks for the encouraging words , you are right it is a privilege !

  9. bert0001 says:

    Sorry your mother never really looked beyond her initial feelings of resentment to see the beautiful and intelligent girl that could have changed her life so much for the better.
    Happy birthday to you. I’m glad you had a great celebration.

  10. I am sorry. What makes me sorriest is that your mother did not and could not have seen what all that would do to you and could do to you – she was selfish to the nth degree.
    Scott

  11. Scott , yes she was. I think that she is glad for all the bad that ever happened to me. I hope you are well.

  12. I am so glad that I have found your blog.
    I am a ex stepmom who helped to raise a stepdaughter who was in the same situation with a evil bio mom. This child was beaten, told she was worthless daily and sexually abused by both her bio mother and stepfather. Her father and I rescued her and had her mother’s parental rights terminated, the mother or step father were never punished.
    This abuse eventually ruined my marriage,,,but at least a child was saved because of it.
    I too am a survivor of abuse and I have just started a new blog to tell my story.
    I look forward to reading your blog, following you and hopefully becoming good blogging buddies 🙂

  13. WOW they were not punished? That is horrible, is the child doing ok? I am sorry your marriage was ruined. I hope you have support while telling your story. I will check out your blog. thank you for finding my blog and I will check yours out and best of luck working through abuse. Feel free to contact me anytime via blog or my email at beckikeyevents@gmail.com. Have a great weekend!
    Becki

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