Fast And Furious , That’s How It Happens

PTSD and a pinch of OCD equals crazy-making. Today I woke up refreshed, which rarely is the case for me. I came downstairs to get my coffee and sat out back on the patio. The sky was grey and it was raining. I thought, perfect, I can catch up on blogs and possibly finish a couple of posts I had started.

My email inbox was full of new blog posts from the bloggers I follow. I nestled in my chair, looking forward to catching up with all the bloggers I admire and have neglected lately. After reading a few blogs I realized I had outgoing mail that needed to get to the mailbox that we share with other neighbors across the street.

Grabbed the mail, opened the garage door, walked outside and BAMM, crossing the street it hit me. Instantly I became hyper-vigilant, the leaves on the ground. Those stupid damn red leaves all over the road, in my yard and swirling around like a tornado ready to capture me and take me into the its eye.

I pushed the mail into the outgoing slot and ran back into my garage, pushed the button to close the door and was safely in my house, but not safe from those leaves and the memories we share. Red falling swirling leaves are a sign that fall is near and is a huge trigger for me. It means the anniversary of when I was stabbed is nearing.

I sat back at my desk pulled up another blog I wanted to read, and commented on a couple of Facebook posts.

Then it got real nuts… My thoughts went wild: the hummingbird feeder needs more food; I have laundry in the dryer… I must get it out NOW or those towels and facecloths that dried may get wrinkled; I need to windex the washer and dryer, hated hated dust… Oh shit the coffee pot needs to be cleaned – its stainless steel (even though I just cleaned it 4 days ago); Ok got the salt, a cut up lemon, and grabbed hand full of ice. I shake that pot as hard as I can with my secret ingredients to remove any sign of a coffee stain inside.

Now I am sweating profusely thinking about safety, you know those damn red leaves falling swirling are going to kill me.

Checklist time !! Doors are locked. Gates to back yard are locked, first floor windows closed and locked, blinds down and perimeter alarm is set. But wait the chandelier in the staircase has dust, got to dust it… My mind is swirling just like the leaves. I now need to clean the front of my wine fridge, stove and dishwasher. The keys on my keyboard are dirty I should remove them all and clean… Nope takes too much time, right now I need quick gratification – ok sweep the kitchen floor, dust the dining room table, get my trusty Clorox wipes to clean all light switches. Done, done, and done.

All this time, I am thinking of a million more ridiculous tasks I could complete. So out comes the vacuum and I vacuum the garage rugs, throw another load of wash in washer, damn it I just cleaned the washer and dryer, oh well I need to wash those 3 items in our hamper, no waiting until there is a full load, gotta happen now.

The phone rings, its Ronnie in his nice calm relaxing voice, and he asks me, “What are you up to?” I reply, “Not much, just blogging and thinking about finishing a post.” “Ok,” he says, “just thinking of you. I had a break and thought I would call.” Without asking, he knows whats going on, he can most likely hear it in my voice. While we are talking, I am dusting the table covers on the outside patio tables. For the second time in 4 hours.  Thank God, I turned the perimeter alarm off before I opened that sliding glass door. We say our goodbyes and I am feeling frantic.

Maybe I should make some lunch and watch TV for a few minutes is my thought. I need to relax. Kumato tomatoes, mozzarella, avocado drizzled with a bit of olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette are my go-to, make-everything-happy food. I turn on the TV to HLN, I wanted to see the update on a trial I have been following… Screech, stop turn off.

My new therapist said no more HLN. I love HLN. I love trials and mysteries and Jane and Nancy with a little Dr. Drew sometimes. But it’s now been banned for me via my therapist. I finish eating and thought I better go take a feel-better pill. You know the ones housewives were addicted to in the 60’s? Usually works every time to take the edge off my craziness.

I decided against the pill and the happy blog post I had started awhile ago that needs to be finished. Instead, I decided it was time to write a post about the here and now. A day in the life of when my PTSD and OCD collide fast and furious.

I have one hour before I have to drive in traffic to get my hair trimmed, I better take that pill…

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This entry was posted in Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Healing and Recovery, Hypervigilance, Mental Health, Murder attack, OCD, PTSD, Traumatic Experiences and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to Fast And Furious , That’s How It Happens

  1. Oh Becki I’m sorry you were so triggered. Cleaning must be your coping thing like going to the mirror and fixating is mine. I caught myself doing that earlier and stopped myself and asked, what’s going on with me, then I remembered, I have been stressed about the dentist. I hope you’re feeling better now. xo

  2. Melanie says:

    I hope you’re feeling better now. I hope the haircut was relaxing. The anniversary will come, and it will pass, and you will not wake up in the hospital – but that doesn’t make it feel any less real. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

  3. JackieP says:

    I clean also when I’m stressed or angry or both. Hope it calms down for you soon. I usually meditate when things get triggered. Big hugs.

  4. Susan Sigmund says:

    I totally get the racing thoughts…..I get how it feels..I get how you have no control over racing thoughts…I get how when you close your eyes at night…you can’t shut it down…I get the panicked feeling..the anxiety consumes you..both mind and body…..I get how it is hard to act like you are just fine..when you are suffering inside…I get how good it feels to be understood,and not judged…My wish for you is to be free of the burden of living with all of the things you carry around inside ….Bug hugs….Aunt Sue

  5. Aunt Sue, I think we have some of the same traits when it comes to the OCD. One day the craziness will be gone. As soon as we move to an area without trees with red leaves 🙂 Love you!

  6. prewitt1970 says:

    I hope traffic was okay and the hair cut came out well. Triggers not fun, this time of year my feel like your weakest, but in essence it’s the foundation of what what makes you an amazingly strong, compassionate beautiful person. That out of such destruction you have risen like the angel you’ve been to so many for so long and become wonderful you.
    Much love and light friend.
    Sincerely
    Benjamin

  7. RFL says:

    I’ve been absent from commenting lately, so my apologies there. I’m so sorry you were triggered today, but you described this so well. Hugs to you and hope for a better day tomorrow.

    • I have been absent myself. I tried to spend as much time in the sun and enjoying summer as I possibly could. It was my first full summer of being unemployed and I loved it!! Welcome back, thanks for the comment. Tonight has been a great night and very peaceful..

  8. Hi Becki, I am so glad you wrote this post instead. I do all the same things, was doing it this morning, re-cleaning what I cleaned yesterday. When my husband sits there afraid to walk where I just cleaned, I get a hint that I am on an OCD cleaning binge. Had one every day this week. I haven’t thought about what triggers my OCD lately, not in the depth you wrote about it. Mostly free from attacks, so I have been complacent, ignoring the triggers. I need to be more aware of ME and while I bravely accept the things I cannot change, I have also been unwisely accepting the things that I can and need to change. Thank you for helping me clarify in my own mind. The saddest part is that I waste all my time because I could have been creating, writing or drawing. I have goals when I wake up and then the OCD takes me on a rollercoaster ride. Before I know it, it is midnight and another day is gone. Jeanne Marie

    • Thank you, its nuts how when it hits it hits hard.. The roller coaster is the perfect description. The same happens to me with time. When I get in that crazy making mind set it takes over. hours go by and it seems as if only minutes have passed. I become so focused on the slightest little things. I can go from starting one project inside to all of a sudden being outdoors sweeping the porch. One good thing is projects do get accomplished 🙂 but its draining. Sorry you experience the insanity also.
      Becki

  9. sakuraandme says:

    I’m sorry to hear what happened to you. First anniversaries for things like this are always so terrible hard. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Thinking of you. Hugs Paula xxxx

  10. The Hook says:

    Life can be one heck of an uphill battle, Becki, but the good news is, you have a reliable support system and the heart of a warrior.

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