Relentlessly Brainwashed

Therapy has been very productive lately. I am connecting with my new therapist Carol and she is very well versed with PTSD patients. My therapy sessions are weekly, and I feel Carol now has a good sense of who I am.

A portion of our session last week led to a discussion of my education. I expressed to Carol my thoughts in regards to my cognitive learning being very disrupted. Specifically during my 6th- 9th grade years. Those were the years that my need for parental approval rivaled even my need for oxygen. Parental approval was nonexistent during my most impressionable years!

Carol and I discussed specifically English classes. I always passed English/Literature class each year, but barely by the skin of my teeth. Is there skin on our teeth? I think maybe there is, and would explain all the dental work I’ve had. During the past 20 years my dental appointments usually include heading to oral surgeons for implants and or crowns and bridges.. See how quickly I removed myself from the English class topic??

Tears flowed last week discussing school with Carol. Each year my English class was always the first class of the day. How the heck did that happen? I have no clue. My most difficult class to comprehend and absorb and I had to deal with it after being abused first thing in the morning.

Every morning in my home was a battleground. My mind was checked out during English class. Generally I daydreamed about how the hell I could escape my home, or just reliving the abuse during my walk to school. I felt unsafe and anxious daily.

I have often wondered how my instructors were unable to identify that I was being abused. Teachers need to pay more attention!!

So English was a challenge, I did not understand sentence composure , conjunctions etc. I was a complete failure. I remember hearing over and over again how important it would be to write using the utmost quality. How important grammar and English would be for my future

During the parent teacher conferences each year the message would be… “Becki is very intelligent however she is not applying herself.” My teacher would then say, “Becki is not taking notes in her exercise book.”  I would sink into the chair knowing I would be beat when I arrived home. At the very least my hair would get pulled in the car while leaving the conference. Again the chatter between teacher and my mother was non-comprehensive to me. I was now in survival mode, I checked out of the conversation and was only thinking of the repercussions of when the conference was over.

Back to therapy with Carol last week…So my need for approval with word press is similar for the need of approval with my mother. I know my grammar is poor, the same exists as in the 6th grade class…. each post I write brings up the same feelings as when I was taking a test in middle school, I will fail. The grammar police will email me.

All the positive feedback from my followers and occasional readers falls of deaf ears. When I have had positive feedback as a child and as an adult I disbelieve. I was relentlessly brainwashed that I would be a failure.

I remember hearing I should read, To Kill a Mocking Bird or Gone with the Wind. I read both and gained nothing other then both books involved racists communities.

Anywho (which is not a word) with the help of my therapist I believe that I am in the beginning stages of who gives a rats ass about how I write for now. I need to not focus on that for a bit and continue to compose my blog posts that WILL offend the grammar police and most definitely never get me freshly pressed.

The other factor Carol and I discussed is how to frame my story.. Which to me is most important. I want to bring awareness to teachers who unfortunately are overwhelmed and poorly budgeted in this country, to look for signs of the abused child. Identify them, reach out to them… It may not be an issue that the child is not applying themselves. That child could be me the abused child that needs help… Direct that child to a safe place to talk or maybe to a school aid or assistant to talk. If I would of had that option I am certain my life would of changed.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.. Help a child in need, talk to them if you feel they are in distress. Give that child a safe place to talk. Listen to your intuition , save a life.

I am going to try and post more often and not be defeated or anxiety ridden with the grammar police and just post.. If you don’t care for how I write or what I have to say get off my blog. Your comments are not welcome. I am here to encourage a child/adolescent or an abused adult. My name is Becki Duckworth, my email is and my cell phone is 503-544-7397… Feel free to reach out to me.

This entry was posted in beaten by mother, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family Relationships, Family Secrets, Growing up in midwest, Healing and Recovery, identify problem children, Mental Health, mental illiness, PTSD, teachers, Toxic Relationships, Traumatic Experiences, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Relentlessly Brainwashed

  1. JackieP says:

    I coped with my abuse by being a wall flower. I had the knack of ‘disappearing’. Most of my teachers didn’t know I existed, I think. The few that did just chatised me for not participating in class. Yeah, teachers should pay more attention. You write well I think. You write with emotion and that speaks to people.

  2. Paula says:

    My 2nd semester in college I took my first college composition course and earned a “C.” My professor told me he had never had to give an honor student a “C” before me and he had been teaching for 10+ years at that point. He couldn’t understand why I just wasn’t getting the assignments. Well, he didn’t know what I was living and I really didn’t feel a need to explain to my English professor my personal struggles. But did his lack of faith in me and my abilities deter me? Nope! I switched my major from Accounting to English and was determined to become a writer. By my senior year, I had him again, and he recommended that I submit one of my essays on Faulkner to a Literary Magazine. I was honored but never followed through. So glad you’re letting go of your fears, Becki!!

    • Paula, I am really trying.. it is very difficult .. How amazing is that and I am sure he universe brought him into your life. You are a fantastic writer.

      • Paula says:

        Thank you, Becki and keep up the great writing yourself! I really don’t see what those grammar cops are seeing. When we are free to express ourselves, we become better and better at expressing ourselves. 🙂

      • Actually when the grammar police show their ugly self it is another form of abuse. It’s not like they offer to help just criticism.

  3. Wow Becki this is so good, bring it! I can relate to school issues xo

  4. prewitt1970 says:

    Your freedom of expression and your bravery to overcome the trauma of your past is more than commendable, it’s honorable and a testament to the brilliant light you have to offer the world. Grammar police, please :-p if that’s the highlight of someone’s day send’m over to me , lol, they’ll love my place. Your an angel Becki, thank you for all you do.

  5. Benjamin… You are so funny.. To have you grace the presence of my blog is a gift in itself… Having your art in my home is beyond words. I think of you daily and so thankful to have you as a friend.

  6. You go girl!!!! Your heart is right. Keep listening to your inner voice. You are perfect in YOU!!!!!

  7. Lori Vahsholtz says:

    Becki, as I see it, from an outsider looking in and reading this blog, that your message is much more important than the typos, etc in it! (I’m sure that I just screwed up that sentence as well, but who cares!!) You keep posting in your blog!! We’ll keep reading!! I can’t imagine how many people you’ve helped while blogging!! Can’t wait for the book!! I do have to say after reading all your posts that I am truly blessed with the parents that raised me. And I still can’t believe for as long as I’ve known you that you never let on about your past. I imagine you got good at hiding it through your childhood and beyond. This particular post opened my eyes some. You’re touching more than those that have been abused. You’re also helping someone like me that has been a volunteer coach of teens and preteen girls. I wonder if I wasn’t aware and could have helped someone. Teachers and coaches, (even those that volunteer because schools don’t have funds for coaches!) could all use training on recognizing signs of abuse. Sure is making me think more. Thanks! And keep it going! I have been quietly reading but had to say something this time! Take care!

  8. Lori, The past was the past until my children made it the present again. It was for me to tell when I was ready, not for them. I appreciate your continued support and gosh we have known each other I think since 98′ or 99′ your youngest was just a baby. Keep your eye out for that child that may need help, reach out to them. My goal before I leave this world is to travel and hold workshops across the country for educators, coaches, clergy, bus drivers, etc to look for the signs of abuse. Thanks for speaking out…

  9. Melanie says:

    Anywho is so a word: “used in place of “anyways”, usually by someone with a weird personality.” So there you go.

  10. Oh perfect yay !! Then fits me just fine.

  11. When you are writing, the most important audience is yourself – this sounds like something I once heard someone influential say, but I can’t recall. Well, today it was said by someone influential… ME! So, go be influenced… don’t make me a liar! 😉

  12. To heck with those in “influential people” I tell each and everyone of them to take a look at Mark Twain’s writing. When they become as famous and hold a legacy that lasts as long as his, then send me an email..

  13. I think you write just fine. You are clear, easy to understand, and get your message across effectively. That is what good writing is all about!

    • Thank you Sharon, I appreciate your support. Never will I become and eloquent and sophisticated writer. I write with passion to reach out to children and adults who have been victims of violence. I write from my heart in hopes of touching others that need a friend to support them during there turmoil. They are are not alone and that is my message.

  14. Good for you, Becki.
    I believe in you and what you are doing.
    Keep it up.

  15. Thank you Scott , that means a lot to me.I have so much self doubt.

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