Therapy has been very productive lately. I am connecting with my new therapist Carol and she is very well versed with PTSD patients. My therapy sessions are weekly, and I feel Carol now has a good sense of who I am.
A portion of our session last week led to a discussion of my education. I expressed to Carol my thoughts in regards to my cognitive learning being very disrupted. Specifically during my 6th- 9th grade years. Those were the years that my need for parental approval rivaled even my need for oxygen. Parental approval was nonexistent during my most impressionable years!
Carol and I discussed specifically English classes. I always passed English/Literature class each year, but barely by the skin of my teeth. Is there skin on our teeth? I think maybe there is, and would explain all the dental work I’ve had. During the past 20 years my dental appointments usually include heading to oral surgeons for implants and or crowns and bridges.. See how quickly I removed myself from the English class topic??
Tears flowed last week discussing school with Carol. Each year my English class was always the first class of the day. How the heck did that happen? I have no clue. My most difficult class to comprehend and absorb and I had to deal with it after being abused first thing in the morning.
Every morning in my home was a battleground. My mind was checked out during English class. Generally I daydreamed about how the hell I could escape my home, or just reliving the abuse during my walk to school. I felt unsafe and anxious daily.
I have often wondered how my instructors were unable to identify that I was being abused. Teachers need to pay more attention!!
So English was a challenge, I did not understand sentence composure , conjunctions etc. I was a complete failure. I remember hearing over and over again how important it would be to write using the utmost quality. How important grammar and English would be for my future
During the parent teacher conferences each year the message would be… “Becki is very intelligent however she is not applying herself.” My teacher would then say, “Becki is not taking notes in her exercise book.” I would sink into the chair knowing I would be beat when I arrived home. At the very least my hair would get pulled in the car while leaving the conference. Again the chatter between teacher and my mother was non-comprehensive to me. I was now in survival mode, I checked out of the conversation and was only thinking of the repercussions of when the conference was over.
Back to therapy with Carol last week…So my need for approval with word press is similar for the need of approval with my mother. I know my grammar is poor, the same exists as in the 6th grade class…. each post I write brings up the same feelings as when I was taking a test in middle school, I will fail. The grammar police will email me.
All the positive feedback from my followers and occasional readers falls of deaf ears. When I have had positive feedback as a child and as an adult I disbelieve. I was relentlessly brainwashed that I would be a failure.
I remember hearing I should read, To Kill a Mocking Bird or Gone with the Wind. I read both and gained nothing other then both books involved racists communities.
Anywho (which is not a word) with the help of my therapist I believe that I am in the beginning stages of who gives a rats ass about how I write for now. I need to not focus on that for a bit and continue to compose my blog posts that WILL offend the grammar police and most definitely never get me freshly pressed.
The other factor Carol and I discussed is how to frame my story.. Which to me is most important. I want to bring awareness to teachers who unfortunately are overwhelmed and poorly budgeted in this country, to look for signs of the abused child. Identify them, reach out to them… It may not be an issue that the child is not applying themselves. That child could be me the abused child that needs help… Direct that child to a safe place to talk or maybe to a school aid or assistant to talk. If I would of had that option I am certain my life would of changed.
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.. Help a child in need, talk to them if you feel they are in distress. Give that child a safe place to talk. Listen to your intuition , save a life.
I am going to try and post more often and not be defeated or anxiety ridden with the grammar police and just post.. If you don’t care for how I write or what I have to say get off my blog. Your comments are not welcome. I am here to encourage a child/adolescent or an abused adult. My name is Becki Duckworth, my email is email@example.com and my cell phone is 503-544-7397… Feel free to reach out to me.