Finding My Family

I would like to introduce my birth daughter Abby. I asked Abby to be a guest writer on my blog. She has evolved into a wonderful mother and a successful woman. Abby was adopted at birth by two very loving caring parents. I spent months with Abby’s adopted parents prior to her birth. Unbeknownst to her parents during those months I was being abused by her birth father that found me. He ended up arrested for domestic violence and was incarcerated. I never told Abby’s parents the truth about the birth father or that he had arrived and I was no longer safe. I made up an elaborate story of untruths to protect them and Abby. Since 2005 I have visited Abby and her family twice. I flew to see her once by myself and once with Ronnie. Abby is very charismatic and beautiful. Please welcome Abby and pray for our continued relationship to blossom.

My name is Abby and Becki is my birth mother.

Finding the “family” that I came from has always been a part of my life since as far back as I can remember. I needed to one day have the answers to questions I have always had.

As a child, being adopted wasn’t a situation I could understand, but the goal of finding out the exact details was embedded into my soul. I needed to one day finally have the answers to questions I have had in my heart for my entire life. My parents have always been very open and honest about the fact that I am adopted. They told me over and over that I was a gift from God. There was more to my story than I knew and it was important to find some answers. What is interesting to me is there is a right time for answers.

I started asking questions about being adopted at a young age. in pre-school I remember overhearing questions directed to my parents about “their role in our lives”. They were asked ” Are you their foster parents?” (  Abby also has a brother that was adopted from a different birth mom ). They would respond, “No, we are their parents.” Funny looks sometimes followed.

Over time I picked up on stories about how my mom held me in her arms the very second I was born from my birth mom and what a proud mom she was.

I am so lucky to have the parents I have. The absoluteness and purity of their unconditional love is without question and is always marveled at by those around us.

As I have matured throughout the many stages in life I’ve had different responses to my curiosity about my birth family that I didn’t know. It was hard for me to even ask the questions about them. I could never tell if the information I was being told was 100% true. It seemed as though I was being misdirected.

Close friends of mine while I was growing up would ask, “How old were you when you were adopted?” I would respond with what I had been told, that “my mom cut my umbilical cord, so I was adopted at birth.” Much later in life I learned that my parents had known my birth mom for about six months before I was born. Friends asked so many questions that I didn’t have the answers to. Was your birth mom too young? What ethnicity are you? I would give answers based upon what I had been told, not ever knowing if they were true. Not knowing if I would ever know the truth.

Growing up I had trouble with being over-weight. I was brutally teased about this. the doctors would ask for my family health background. My mom would look at me and shrug her shoulders and respond, “She’s adopted. We don’t know.” A doctor once suggested that trying to obtain this information would be beneficial for me and my future health concerns. Then I remember at one visit my mom said she thought there had been some cardio-vascular problems and breast cancer on my birth mother’s side, but we didn’t know anything about the birth father’s family.

After 15 years of shrugs and hearing “we don’t know” I began to think there is someone out there that I came from. They do exist, I thought. Someone out there probably looks like me, has some of the crazy issues I deal with like PMS, anger and depression. I was even more determined to learn about my birth family.

I received my first communication from Becki when I was 17, hearing that I had a blood-related family out there and that they all knew each other and that they had all grown up close to each other. The questions just exploded in my head. My focus changed from meeting my birth mom to discovering my family. Years after I first met Becki, I found Ali on MySpace and thought what a dream come true. My full blooded sister! I sat and looked at her beautiful face. I wrote the most heart-felt letter to her email, describing how it had been my mission to find her and asked her when we could meet. The thought of getting off an airplane, embracing each other and starting a conversation that would never end was all I could think about. Oh, my dear little sister. I always watched with envy, my friends and the bonds they shared with their sisters. I couldn’t have been happier thinking about this. (I wonder if the email is still saved after nine years.) to describe it still seems almost unreal.

The response to my dream of having a younger sister and to finally meet her was not reciprocated, but the words she wrote back cut through all my heart and soul. I could of never prepared for such a heartless response. I am paraphrasing it from memory, but it went something like this. “We have no desire to ever meet you. We are adults and we have no desire to build a relationship with you. Too much time has gone by and we just don’t care to engage the thought of welcoming you to our family. I have confirmed that my brothers feel the exact same way, and do not want me to provide you a way to contact them. Becki doesn’t think it is a great choice either and I respect Mom.”

I then contacted Anthony’s ( Abby’s full blooded brother ) MySpace begging to hear this was not true. I messaged lance. No one responded. I only blamed Becki. I blamed Becki so much that I believed in my head she created all this. I couldn’t believe that a sister could say things like that. It had to be Becki’s fault. A week later all of their MySpace accounts were gone. They had all blocked me. I created a new MySpace account trying to find them, but their MySpace accounts were all gone.

For the past 6 years I haven’t been able to understand the rhyme or reason of my blood family. I thought over and over about how families are reunited all the time and how happy and joyful these reunions are. Why me? Why I was I picked to not be a part of the family. I often thought I was the only one adopted out of the family. ( Ali was also adopted by different birth parents.) I felt everything was a lie. I thought Becki was keeping me separate from everyone.

I just continued to search over the last few years, hoping to find a connection again. One night recently I searched for Ronnie ( Becki’s husband)  I found him and there was a link to Becki’s Blog. I have read every word of Becki’s blog and am beginning to really understand.

For the record, although my siblings claim to want nothing to do with me, they sure throw me into Becki’s face a lot to hurt her. You all seem so concerned whether or not Becki is going to tell the story about me. Coming from those who don’t know me, have never met me and are unwilling to consider me family, you sure talk about me and my part in Becki’s life a lot.

I have expressed to Becki recently how we should build a relationship as adults. I know growing up I had so much anger, resentment and aggression. Today I am not that person. I thank God that Becki and I can have a fresh start and begin to build a healthy relationship. I know now that I can’t control the actions or feelings of others. I can’t change the past, but I can look forward to the future. I believe Becki’s and my time is here and now we can begin our healing process.

Ronnie and I discussed today, when we told Anthony and Ali (neither of which lived in our home) that we went to see Abby and her family. They exploded and thought we were crazy. There were some reasons that I shall keep private that was necessary for us to reach out to Abby. Anthony and Ali did not want to be involved in Abby needing support. Lance was living in our home and he was 17 years old. Lance is a very non confrontational, extremely private person. At that time Lance had just dealt with his parents almost being incarcerated by his siblings. Lance was facing 2 surgery’s and just did not want any additional stress. In addition Lance did not want anyone knowing about my past. Lance was not speaking to Ali and was very embarrassed about Ali’s character and behavior. Lance also wanted nothing to do with his brother Anthony and had not spoke to him for a couple years. 

Ronnie and I both want to thank Abby for this post, and also for Abby to know how proud we are of her

This entry was posted in Adoption, daughters, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family Relationships, Family Secrets, gift of love, Healing and Recovery, healthy relationships, identify problem children, Life's Blessings and Joys, Mental Health, new beginnings, Open adoption and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Finding My Family

  1. abbbz says:

    What an amazing post. I am so glad that you were able to share this with us. Thanks again for being a part of MY healing process and putting all of this out there for the world to learn from. You daughter Abby (whos name is just amazing if I may say so myself 😉 ) sounds wonderful and amazing,. I am so glad that you two are able to reconnect and build a relationship.

    • Haha yes a great name. I guess we are pretty close to my entire life being an open book now. Abby is awesome and I am glad she re-connected… by the way I guess I need to ask her why she didn’t just call? I have had the same same cell phone number for over 14 years now !!!

  2. I’m glad you reconnected 🙂

  3. Susan Sigmund says:

    Abby, Hello….I am saying a silent prayer…. and sending a big hug…the time to heal is now….

  4. So glad to hear that there is some healing going on… if not from everyone. Welcome, Abby!

  5. This is absolutely beautiful Becki and Abby. Abby, I am so thankful that you let Becki into your life and give her love the way you do! Since I met Becki she has been like a second mother to me and I will always be floored and disgusted by the way her other children treat her. She’s an amazing woman who has done nothing but love and care for me, Ronnie included. It would be great to meet you one day and welcome you into the new family the Duckworth’s have created with my family and I, a family that truly loves without judgement 😀

    • Thank you Steph. You are a gift to Ronnie and I. I forever and always will love you unconditionally. Your parents are the best and we will miss all of you when we leave. probably the hardest part about moving. Abby is beautiful and so full of life you two would get along great. Thanks for always supporting me and having my back. We love you to the moon and back!! And we are so proud of you!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s