Generally when the phrase, ” For The Hundredth Time” is used a negative comment follows. Have you heard this phrase? I also am guilty of using it negatively. Today’s post is the big.. ONE, ZERO, ZERO for me. Yep, for the hundredth time! For most bloggers this is not a milestone, for me its huge. Despite the criticism from the Grammar Police, I continued blogging. My feelings have been hurt from them and all their perfectness on many occasions. But I continued because it helps me to blog, and I know that my story has been one of empowerment to several readers. My goal with this blog has always been to reach out to others. Abuse was a dirty family secret while I was growing up. It was not to be shared with others. The pain boiled within me for decades, emotionally I was screwed up, repeatedly self destructing.
Chances are I will write another hundred blog posts about abuse, hoping to reach out to a child that finds me while searching on the internet for survival stories. I am a survivor, no longer am I that abused child that wished my mother would just kill me vs. continuing to repeatedly beat me and emotionally destroy me. The dirty little family secret is out. Maybe one child or an adult survivor of abuse will find me and realize its ok to first acknowledge the abuse, and then talk about it.
Many that are abused never seek therapy as it is so overwhelming to even think about sharing. I think this is true especially with female children that were violently abused by their mothers. A mother is supposed to nurture, care for and love her children unconditionally. My mothers horrific acts will forever be a part of who I am. The pain will never go away, its always there.
The holiday season is the worst for me, like I am sure it is for many. There never were those kitchen gatherings with a mothers love nor special recipes and holiday traditions that would be shared between mother and daughter. No cookies and pies made together. My mother instead complained and sometimes screamed and slammed the counter with her hate of all things festive and holiday related. Holidays were stressful, and full of anger and rage. She loathed her in-laws and dreaded having to see her sisters. Holidays meant she would need to force herself to be kind to me in front of family, and pretend like she was enjoying herself. She robbed me of the happiness of extended family gatherings. She was a horrible parent, wife and human being.
This year I am thankful for my friends, husband and for my 100th blog post. I am thankful that my story has helped others to seek help and reach out for strength. I am thankful that God is providing for myself and my husband to move and start another chapter in this crazy world. We are taking a huge leap of faith that no one else I know would embrace at our age. Please send positive thoughts our way during this transition and if you think of us say a little prayer. Ronnie and I deserve happiness and peace.
I also am thankful for all the bloggers that have and continue to inspire and encourage me.