I debated with myself about sharing on my blog portions of an email that Ali sent to me. For those of you that are not familiar with Ali, she is my youngest daughter that I placed for adoption in Oregon years ago. Her adoption was an open adoption, which means I knew the family that adopted her. Ali is 26 years old and we have always had a love hate relationship.
This past week has been extremely productive, I skyped with a casting director in New York in regards to a pilot for a TV show about survival. The casting director is now pitching my story to the network. A film company in London also has interest in my story and contacted me. So the wheels are turning and moving forward in the direction I had hoped for. My book is taking longer to publish, only because I want it completed and properly introduced to the audience I am targeting.
Due to my story having an increased interest last week, I decided to finally set up a LinkedIn account. During the first few steps of setting up LinkedIn it asked me to add email contacts, I clicked yes. That was a huge mistake. LinkedIn sent emails to everyone I had ever emailed or emailed me. Holy crap, I had no clue. Within minutes my G-Mail was flooded with people asking who I was. People I had sold items to on Craigslist were sent invites to join with me on LinkedIn, people I had purchased items from as well. Car dealers that I had requested quotes from, my doctor and dental office’s, you get the picture of how this went! And of course Ali was sent one. So instead of ignoring it , she contacts me.
She emails me asking if I contacted her. I said, “No LinkedIn did”, and apologized for the contact. Ali answers back. “Ok cool thanks,” I respond, “Sorry for the contact, take good care.” At that point, I thought the email conversation was over. We both handled the contact well and all is good right??? Nope, wrong ,it’s never good, that would just be too perfect and what normal people do. Never would she allow it to end civil, she has to attack. I will admit, she was subtle, at first she wrote about that she also is leaving the state of Oregon within 30 days, and her adopted father had already secured a house. Her adopted father was currently in Oregon helping her pack and listing their condo in Oregon to sell.
Then she wrote that she was going to allow my grandson to say good-bye to me before they left, but because she was un-happy with me she decided not to. She knows I adore my grandson, but I have not been allowed to see him since last February when I made her mad, so why in the heck would she even think I would want to see him for a moment to just say good-bye. Stupidity, just plain stupidity! Crazy making at its finest once again ! Thus the reason I am even writing about this. Most members of my blood family for generations are nut cases, they are cruel, hateful, vindictive and that is what a huge part of this blog is about. Now I will quote a portion of her email to me exactly how it was written. Here goes……
“I’ve gotton word that you are leaving also but I don’t believe everything behind the story of why or about where you are going so don’t email me back making it seem all glamorous because I know it’s not. I wish you the best of luck. There is no need for us to speak or ever see each other again. My family has taken lance in as heir own we spend holidays and special events together (not that you care about how lance is doing). Take care Becki”
First of all glamorous to me would be moving to Dubai, glamorous is Princess Di, Grace Kelly, and Diana Ross. I have never thought moving was glamorous. Am I excited, you bet your britches I am. Am I happy we are no longer on Applegate drive in our house, you bet I/we are. We are still in transition for another 30 days with our life in boxes, but that feels super, we are on our way out of this state.
Ali’s reference to my youngest son Lance was a direct hurtful message, I am happy that everything is unicorns, rainbows and glitter for them. That all is just peachy keen. What she wanted from me in a return response to her email, was an attack. She doesn’t get that from me anymore. What is wonderful is I don’t even feel that in my heart, my blood pressure didn’t rise when I read her email. I laughed only because I knew before she sent it, that she could never possibly let it end with me apologizing for the contact. There had to be at least one more stab to my heart, and of course I knew without a doubt it would involve my grandson and Lance. I saw it coming, because I used to be the same way. Filled with hate, anger and rage at the world. I can’t even bring myself to go there anymore.
There is still pain in my heart, I wish my children were kind people and that they could get beyond their anger toward me. Looking at the big picture their anger stemmed from very small issues that most families would resolve by sitting down and talking it out. Not through email, or texts. Not one of them ever has sat face to face with me, talking out issues in person has never, ever , ever happened. Ronnie has always told them and me that when you email or text during a fight feelings don’t get relayed properly. A person says things they may never say in a face to face conversation , and your message is colder and distant and generally misconstrued in a short text or email. It was just last week when I thought about this, then I realized none of us has ever sat face to face during a disagreement. How sad is that?
I Survived a Murder Attack -- My Family Didn't 
I understand a bit about seriously dysfunctional families. I haven’t seen/spoke to most of mine in 20 years. But your family takes it to new heights. I am sorry you were strong enough to survive while your family was not. I know how lonely I have been over the years, I can’t imagine the depth of your pain.
Sadly I am finding more and more stories that are similar to mine. The pain has diminished and I am not as combative as I was even a mere 10 months ago. I no longer have that need to reach out, call them, email, text etc. asking them to be in my life. They are all adults now and can either make the choice to play nice or exit out of our lives. Each instance it becomes easier and less painful. I take comfort in my relationship with my husband and friends.
I’m glad you’ve got people around you for support.
I”m sorry you have to go through this Becki. My siblings and I don’t talk face to face either. We never did. They like to attack behind my back. But like you I don’t recipocate anymore. Life is too short for so much anger and hate. Good for you for letting that go. And Ronnie is a wise man.
It’s ok, kinda sick that I expect it. I have ALWAYS been a person that wants to talk face to face. My children have never wanted to do so with anyone. Shoot they have even broke of relationships with girlfriends and boyfriends via text. Its so impersonal and dumbfounds me. Sorry you deal it also. Every negative issue we have had could of been resolved if we would of talked face to face. Once they hit the teenage years they have never talked out issues face to face. Ronnie is very wise, he was done with them all long ago. It was stupid me that convinced him to give them another chance.
I think everyone can relate to your current ordeal, Becki.
We all have unresolved family issues of some kind.
You’re a survivor and you’ll be fine in the long run.
On the bright side, your work is attracting the right kind of attention and I wish you luck. You deserve a win or two, young lady.
You are right, I have been blessed to find such an out pouring of support. It’s sick to say but in a strange way I am glad I have company. Before WP there was few people I knew that had so much dysfunction in their family. This past week has been wonderful, finally a break and I was found vs. me seeking these opportunities. That’s a good feeling and confirmation that I am moving in the right direction. The blog title and artwork probably helped. My goal is to reach others that have been abused and let them know they can overcome and move beyond abuse and be successful members of society. It’s all about giving back, compassion for others and offering strength to those that feel weak
I am sorry that you have these struggles but it seems like things are on the up for your career and so I wish you all the best with that for the future. Maybe one day you will get chance to have that face to face talk.
Thanks Jade, I appreciate your kind words. Life actually feels very good right now. I am not optimistic about there ever being a talk. What is most important is that I don’t fall apart and attack over these situations any longer. My heart no longer aches for what I don’t have, I am happy for the relationships I do have.
It saddens me always how the children are viewed as pawns, then casualties, in any adult conflict. I too have had to accept my older children for the decisions they have made, and the choice they continue to make. I feel the heartbreak never goes away, but acceptances takes some of the jaggedness off.
So true, Ali told me that my grandson hates me. He is only 5 years and has always adored me. A 5 year old does not hate ! It is her that projects the anger and negative feelings toward me on my grandson. Acceptance does help.
Hi Becki, Families are so difficult to live with, my step sister does not talk to me because I told her the truth about herself, but she has used her ‘baby of the family’ status to convince others that I said that her little girl was a bastard. Anyone who knows me know I would never say that about people never mind a 1 year old child.
So I have given ger what she wants and cut her off. I have been independent since I was 16, I am now 50 and in all those years not once had to call on my family once, I have been married for 32 years and they will need me first.
Families are a nightmare and I think you should have your daughters emails go to spam, where they will sit.
Giving up a child must have been one of the hardest thing to do and I also can understand her anger, but that is not a reason for abuse and you need to tell her, knock off the abuse or you will cut all contact. That will shake her up, I worked in social work for many years and met many parents in such situations as yours and you have to stand your ground, I know it will mean not seeing your grandson I have two geanddaughters 500 miles away and it hurts not seeing them. You have to decide abuse or not either way she is not to going to let you see your grandson so you have to put your foot down.
You are going to be a published author with a film or two, the last thing you are going to need is her going to and get her own publicity and bringing it into the public eye. So you will have to make a decision before it gets out of control and it ruins your life. As for LinkedIn close the account you have and open a new one and never say yes to getting contacts lol 🙂 Good luck and Merry Christmas 🙂
Pete, its rough at times not having blood family to be a part of our lives. My experience with my own is as long as I am funneling them money and gifts they are happy. When that stops they turn into evil beings. That is not the relationship I want , it always seems to be one sided. Sorry you have had to deal with it as well. Like yourself, I left home early too and have made it in this world the best that I could. I have never had family support financially or otherwise. Not one of them were there after I was stabbed or raped. They are un-compassionate self centered individuals. The mistakes and poor choices I made as a young person drove them away. My friends have always been my family and are unconditionally always available to me in good and bad times both. My life is blessed and opportunities are abundant. The universe and God is taking very good care of me. Thanks as always for your comforting words and Happy Holidays to you and yours.
Becki
Your more then welcome, I don’t have many friends as I am very careful now who I choose as friends and true friends I can count on the fingers of one hand. My siblings have not really been in touch, they play the family when they do but somehow I can feel that they were not wanting to be there except my eldest sister. I had to financially support myself and my wife and son and I have done some really bad jobs to do it. But you will have the world at your feet soon when your film hits the screen and I can say, I know Becki and proud to have so. :0) you have a nice relaxed time over the holidays God Bless 🙂
Hi Becki… I am so sorry that your problems with your children persists. It is never easy when those that you have loved turn their back on you. You are married to a wise man! Emailing and texts are not ways to discuss things and only add to the problems. It sounds like your book and future movie is going to be absolutely awesome. Your future is bright and I will be praying for you and your children. I never got that email from you so I thought that you changed your mind. I know that it is hard for you to type at times with the pain in your arms. I will be praying for you and your entire family. Also, I hope and pray that you and Ronnie will have a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy, Blessed New Year. Many, many blessings to you, my friend!!!
I am, of course, sorry you have to go through this again and again. I remember how it was when my first ex decided to start being mean to me after the divorce. I also remember well how my second ex was always mean and manipulative after the divorce (and during the separation). I don’t feel that way at all, either. It feels better to simply relax and let the feelings wash over and out of me. I am content. That feels good.
Scott