Keep Your Tissue, I Need To Grieve

My feeling is when a person is crying/grieving let them do so. By handing a crying friend a tissue there is a hidden message asking them to stop crying. People need to cry in order to heal. Allow the flood gates to open and release the pain.

During my life rarely have I allowed the flood gates to open, those gates have stayed latched shut tighter than Fort Knox. On the rare occasion when I allowed the waters to escape , the reason behind the tears would generally be because of my father’s. Yes plural, there were two. The passive aggressive, emotionally unavailable biological father, and the asshole step-father.

My biological father was severally physically and emotionally abused during his childhood at the hands of his father, my grandfather. The only ability he had to protect himself was not to show emotion. My grandfather would beat him and he would not cry. My biological fathers emotional unavailability was a way of protecting himself, this cost him to never connect with someone in a meaningful way. I believe that he only married for the purpose of maintaining, “normality”. He married to have someone there, present in his home to cook, clean, grocery shop etc. It wasn’t because of sex, because he found that elsewhere. During my short stay with my biological father, he and my step-mother slept in separate rooms. It was well known in the community they had other lovers. Not just my dad, as my half sisters would tell the story, both of them had affairs.

My father was an expert manipulator that could turn on the charm at will. Emotionally he was dead. He pacified me with money and lots of it. I always had nice new clothes, the addition he built onto our home was for me, my bedroom-living room-to entertain friends in. He paid for my travel, because it kept me out of his hair, and to be quite honest to keep peace between my step-mom and myself. She hated me and I wanted to kick her ass on a daily basis for cheating on my dad. I have no clue why it never bothered me that he cheated on her. Maybe because I held him at a higher level socially and intellectually, she was only there to use him for money.

During those years with my biological father, I needed the stability of a father. Being emotionally absent from my life, he was unable to teach me about men. The only message I ever remember him giving me was once after a boyfriend cheated on me and I was distraught, my dad said, “Becki get used to it, all men cheat.” Short of that, and marry rich, he never had any other advise. I never married rich. But he was right , I was always cheated on.

Unfortunately my father had a history of some real hurt from my grandfather, and my grandmother took off and abandoned him while he was in his teens. So his own experiences made him shut down.

It became a painful reality for me knowing my father was truly incapable of having a relationship. I begged for emotional acceptance and for him to notice me. He was emotionally absent , mostly he just didn’t care, he never listened when I talked and never really knew anything about me.

A fathers character and his relationship with you, influences your identity, strongly. My mother, was my fathers first ex-wife, I went from being severally abused to emotional abandonment. My father gave me a relatively safe environment to lay my head every night. But my feelings of grief were never resolved. The grief went into the abyss of limbo for years. What my father didn’t know is how much I loved him, I adored him, he was handsome as a younger man, strong and charismatic. He just had an empty heart incapable of giving and receiving true love.

My stepfather was a arrogant asshole, even his living relatives would attest to the fact. My stepfather was also emotionally unavailable. Maybe before he married my mother he may of been kind. I only know him as the asshole that never protected me from my mothers wrath, he allowed the violence to exist , he turned the other cheek. He worked day and night, I can’t blame him. I am sure once he married her and some time past, he questioned why he married mommy dearest and had no clue, or to much pride to give up and leave. Because, “What would people say?” So he stayed in loveless marriage, in a house full of hate, with an alcoholic.

Sometime in my late 30’s it hit me. I grieved for “little Becki”, the child that never experienced a parents love. It sucks! Recently one of my best friends lost her dad, he was the kind of father I dreamed of having as a child. I witnessed the love he had, and outwardly showed to his family. Today, another of my dear friends called and the father she so loves will, pass soon and quickly. She is with him at his side, waiting for him, at any moment to crossover.

My father wasn’t the first child to be emotionally abandoned, and I am not the last.

So keep your tissue’s, we need to grieve.

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This entry was posted in Child Abuse, daughters, Dysfunctional Family Relationships, estranged fathers, father less children, Healing and Recovery, step fathers, Traumatic Experiences and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Keep Your Tissue, I Need To Grieve

  1. I was more than fortunate. My father loved me, but had a hard time showing it as I grew up. Sitting by his bedside and watching him pass was one of the hardest things I had done up to that point. I haven’t cried for him – it wasn’t allowed (ex husband), and my mother’s passing…thank you brothers dearest!
    The problem is tough – where do you feel safe enough to finally allow the floodgates to open? I’m out of words…………..
    Blessings, Susan x

    • Susan, you are very fortunate to of had your fathers love, I am so sorry he passed. It wasn’t until a year or so after marrying my husband, I felt comfortable enough to grieve. Witnessing my husbands love for my children is when I realized what I never had from a father.
      Peace ,
      Becki

  2. Deborah says:

    People have a hard time handling grief, so they want us to just get over it. If they do allow it at all, it has a timeframe attached, a reasonable period during which grieving is tolerated, but after that, you should be done. You have nailed this issue on the head. More people should learn to just be present through other people’s pain and not try to “fix it” just to reduce their own discomfort. Thanks for sharing this!

  3. Thank you Deborah, How can people even expect there to be a timeframe of grief? A person never knows when grief will hit them, when you actually become comfortable to grieve. I was in survival mode for so many years, just trying to get through each day . Then one day the grief hit me. I was told, even by my dad and Aunt to just put the past in the past. If you are a caring individual that is very difficult to do. A heartless person may be able to shove feelings of grief away in a nice tidy box, never allowed to escape. It didn’t work that way for me.

  4. I know what you mean about shoving down our grief. My entire family is and always has been emotionally unavailable and today, at nearly 53, I am still dealing with the grief of never feeling loved. I am lucky though, I have had the same husband for 35 years this year. He has always stood by me. Strong and silent. My sisters have all been divorced and cheated on and abused in various ways.

    Stay strong, grieve and let go of the past. We both know that’s not easy, and I think in your situation even harder than most. You are a worthy, wonderful, warm and loving person and deserve to be loved and held tight by someone’s heart.

    Hang in there. I’ll keep the tissue for myself.

  5. tersiaburger says:

    I have lived such a privileged life. I had wonderful, loving parents and grandparents. We were never wealthy, but I thought we were rich. My first husband cheated on me and abused me. My second husband is loving but weak. I have had to sit next to the bed of all my nearest and dearest and watch them die. My grandparents, 1st husband, mom, dad, best friend and my only child. Your post made me grateful that I was loved and cherished as a child. I so sad that you were deprived of a happy childhood. . It is a child’s RIGHT! Hugs!!!

    • Thank you Tersia,thanks for stopping by. Love, is a child’s right and unfortunately I was unable to experience that right from my parents. What a tragedy that you have experienced so much pain from loosing loved ones. A parent should never have to experience the death of a child.

  6. secretangel says:

    My heart aches for you Becki. People do not realize how important a child’s relationship to their father and mother is. We learn from their behaviors and get deep wounds from their failures. Yes you need to grief for those tears are for healing. I will be praying for you, my friend!

    • Thank you, I have always said I wish they would of placed me for adoption. My posts may seem like I have been unable to get past the anger and resentment toward them, but I have started to heal or this blog would never exist. It just takes time. I apreciate all your prayers.

      • secretangel says:

        Becki, you have been through so much and it has deeply impacted your entire family. Just know that God does heal and does redeem. I will be praying for you and Ron and your children. May God bless you all and bring healing and restoration.

  7. Pandionna says:

    I can understand that. It’s aggravating to have someone stand there and tell you “it’s okay” or “ssh, ssh.” Another annoying thing is when people just don’t understand that sometimes, the person who is grieving wants to be left the heck alone. When my nephew passed away, my sister needed time alone to work through it, but another sister hounded her, calling her several times a day. Please! Let her breathe!

    But, I do offer tissues because crying tends to lead to runny noses. There’s always that moment when someone who is crying looks up and around like, “help,” and starts touching their face, so that’s when I offer. Also, cool wet cloths. My ex-MIL was upset nearly to the point of being ill and fainting when her mother died, and cool wet cloths on her wrists helped. Really, it’s about being perceptive to someone’s needs, and for that you have to put your own aside. Unfortunately, as Deborah said, some folks can’t see past their own discomfort with displays of grief or emotion.

    • I agree with you on many points. I just don’t agree with relatives, Aunts, Uncles and cousins who have told me to just forget about the abuse, move on and not to think about it. That the abuse in in the past and we should keep it there. Telling me not to shed tears over an entire childhood of abuse, is their way of not dealing with it. Out of sight. out of mind. I feel different.

  8. Denise Hisey says:

    I once took a Wounded Child class, and one of the main rules was No Handing Over Tissues. Exactly what you said. It breaks the moment and gives the impression crying needs to stop. Well said, Becki.

  9. Sue says:

    I wouldn’t be too hard on people who hand you a tissue. When I do it, I mean it as a gesture of support – as in ‘I’m here to listen and here’s something to catch all those tears that’ll be flowing’.

    Both of my parents died in 2012 and my grieving process was totally disrupted by discovering that my sister had betrayed me by stealing my inheritance. She tried to convince me that my parents had actually wanted her to have everything. She did her best to poison my mind and tried to make me believe they never really loved me, but just pretended to. There should be a special place in hell for someone who could do that to her own sister. I’m forever grateful to the ones who stood by me and saw me through that terrible time. I cried more that year than I had in my whole life up until then. I’m just now starting the true grieving process two years later – not sure I’ll ever make my way through it.

    • What a horrible sister. I am not sure if I will ever make it completely through the process of grieving in this lifetime. I am sure going to give it a shot. I have come a long way in the last 18 months. My shoulders seem lighter. Like you I am grateful for those who have been emotionally available to me. Wishing you all the best in healing. As far as your sister, karma is going to be rough on her.

  10. Becki I read this article about two months ago I think but due to my exam wasn’t able to comment or read more of your blog but I remembered as This post touched my heart. I’m so so sorry that you had to go through all that. Grieving is a way to deal with such hurt and pain. I can only hope and pray for your best and be there for you whenever you need.
    Much love, Zee.

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