I know It’s Hard To Believe

I originally was going to write a post about something entirely different. But this morning I thought I would share about my project today. I am finishing a Bible study on Job. Ronnie and I have not yet left to Arizona. We will be leaving on March 8th, spending a couple days in Reno Nevada and arriving in Arizona on March 10th or 11th. We originally were supposed to leave a couple weeks ago.

In the meantime, I am going to leave for a few days and spend some additional time with a woman that is very dear to me. She has been my rock for years. When I am feeling down she lifts me up. She carries me through any storm that comes my way and see’s me through it. I have wrote about her in the past, her faith in God never sways.

Tonight I will attend another woman’s Bible study with her, again the lesson is on the last chapters of Job. If you have never read Job, you should. For most that know me they would find it strange that I am spending an evening at a woman’s Bible study. The book of Job is very difficult for me to read. In my youth I was active in the church, as an adult not very much. I have read Job before, but never has it hit my heart like it has now. If Job was able to deal with the shit storm that hit him, I can deal and overcome my issues. The child abuse, domestic violence, absence of family, being homeless, raped and then stabbed.

I hope to become a better wife, friend, employee and most important learn to love myself. I need to learn how to truly release the anger and resentment I feel towards my family and the world. Until then I will be stuck, just existing and never truly finding peace regardless of how far I move away and change my surroundings. The pain of abuse and wishing I had family that loves me will always be there, its never going to fade. But maybe it will not hurt to the level that it does if I take the time to grow spiritually.

Chances of me completing this 5 page question and answer lesson is slim to none today. As soon as I attempt to write, tears stream down my face. But I will still go with Bari to the Bible study. The women I have met there lift me up, and it is a great group of professionals and some homemakers. I feel very comfortable in their presence, even though I feel as if I am the oddball out.

Most of my life I have felt scared , whether it was in the form of abuse, moving, raising my children, homelessness or of others intentions and not trusting friendship. It’s been a rough couple weeks, I am ready to leave this state and start fresh. I need the sun and a different environment.

Take time out to do something kind for others, and when you do, don’t expect something in return. The one good quality about myself is I will always try and help someone in need, even when I haven’t had much myself. Its not the goods of the world that will make you happy. And if you have a moment read the book of Job. Even if you are not a believer its a great story.


This entry was posted in becki duckworth, Child Abuse, Depression, gift of love, Give without expectations, hardened Hearts, hope, Spiritual quest and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to I know It’s Hard To Believe

  1. prayingforoneday says:

    “Take time out to do kind things for others”
    Could not have said it better myself,


  2. Pandionna says:

    “I need to learn how to truly release the anger and resentment I feel towards my family and the world.” I hear you. That’s something I’ve grappled with at various times over the years, but when I’ve succeeded, the feeling is akin to pushing an elephant off my chest and taking a huge gulp of air. I hope you come to know the same feeling.

  3. Sunshine says:

    you will get there…you have faith in yourself my dear

  4. You already sound half way there taking the steps you are. Have a wonderful break full of renewal.x

  5. You’re extremely. Rave and strong Becki, even if you don’t see it. You’ve been dealt a damned tough hand and are doing unbelievably well, I don’t think I could have managed half so well. Hang in there and let the move heal that anguish. You have a friend and supporter here 😊
    Susan ❤

  6. That should be Brave Beckie 😳

  7. paininhidingabuse says:

    Hello becki…wow I wanted to tell u what a lovely way for me to wake up and read something I battle with all my life its like a weight lifted if u can do I can to ..
    Iv never spoken about our homeless days im to inbarassed. . But just this week im having to deal with incredible pain wanting the mother I never had sister and brother s hell its hard I always thought it was stopping me from healing? ??..but I have probably been doing little pieces of helping, others but I haven’t yet gone back to church since moving from sa to new Zealand while briefly but not full on and I miss it !
    So u inspire me by going to bible study ..nonetheless ill read job on my own!
    Thank u
    Take care

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