The Thief Has Returned

The thief has once again arrived and is attempting to steal my soul. All I can take solace in at the moment is I know I am not alone.

Ive attempted three times since Monday to blog about this, each time the thief stole the words from my soul. The thief is depression, it’s a soul sucking debilitating illness that is all consuming.

Suicide is probably what’s triggered my latest round of depression. Jennifer from Newberg, Oregon committed suicide, soon thereafter Robin Williams and last week, Derek also from Oregon took his life.  My heart aches for all three of these wonderful people, depression got the best of them and they were unable to live another day on this planet.

Depression is not always visible, even to a person’s closest friends or partner. The depressed person’s life may seem perfect to others in their social circle and workplace. Not everyone that suffers from chronic depression lays in bed all day.

When I was young, I remember standing in front of my huge dresser mirror in my bedroom sobbing. I would take a pillow from my bed cover my mouth and just sob and sob. Obviously, I was depressed, the reason…… I was severely abused by my mother. My mother convinced me I was worthless , ugly and ignorant. I am pretty sure  she was hoping I would commit suicide. My mother used to scream a phrase about beating me within an inch of my life, while thrashing the belt across me or what ever weapon of choice she found. I’m pretty sure she was hoping I would take that extra inch of life that was left in me. The abuse started my depression, knowing that I wasn’t loved, watching my friends parents embrace , kiss them, encourage them, made my depression worse.

The last time I wrote a blog post was July. I resigned from my position at Encore Creative July 30th, The environment was not healthy and I needed to jump ship before it sunk. Without going into detail, I was misled about Encore’s status as a premiere event company. I don’t believe resigning from EC has anything to do with my current bout of depression. There is another project that has presented itself to me, I am going to wait several months before I share any details about that project on my blog.

You may notice, I am trying to work through this depression while I am talking with you. I hope my style of communicating on this blog allows you, the reader, to feel like we are sitting in my living room or patio chatting. Screw the grammar police and critics. This is real life, I’m not looking to be freshly pressed or win a writing competition, I am trying to live and work through my demons. Once again, I am fighting to survive, I’m in a battle, it’s real it’s fierce right now!

My close friends and former co-workers know that I have had severe chronic pain for over 15 years. Some is related to scar tissue from when I was stabbed, most is from my right knee being bone on bone. Last year the orthopedic surgeon took films of the knee and confirmed right knee needs to be replaced, left knee is borderline. The surgeon and I mutually agreed to inject them both with steroids and attempt to relieve some pain. The injections worked and lasted about 4 months. The pain has returned, it is severe, I have a huge threshold for pain and this is all consuming. I’m talking 10 plus on the 1-10 pain scale. I am not in a position to have that knee replaced now. I don’t take narcotics for the pain, just advil. However Tuesday when I was in our safe, I found a prescription my orthopedic gave me last December I hadn’t tried. It’s called Meloxicam, generic for Mobic 15mg tabs. The directions indicate, take only 1 tablet once a day. This medication is non-narcotic, I am on day 3 now and it seems to be taking the edge off. I believe the chronic pain intensifies the depression. I am not smoking though !!  YAY for me, that is usually what I turn to for comfort. Cigarettes were my crutch on and off  for over 35 years.

I really love Arizona but there is so much that is superficial, The countryside is gorgeous, lots of cool shops and so much to explore. I am looking for places of serenity. I hear a lot of, ” oh she is married to so and so and they have blah blah blah and go to blah blah blah.” Or,” They have this and that and used to be that and this” So What part of all that, makes me want to be part of that world ?, these people just don’t know, unless they stumble across my blog and read every single post. Doubt it, they are too caught up in where they need to be seen at for Happy Hour. The crazy part is, guys are saying this more than the chicks. I have met some cool people though, people I just haven’t been able to spend very much time with.

I’m hoping to identify all that has triggered this last round of depression, and work through the layers that pile on the initial trigger. So much piles on, last night I started feeling even worse because we left Simba and Nalla buried in Oregon. Simba and Nalla are our beloved furry kids that passed away March 19th and December 23rd 2012 respectively. They were both 16 years old.

I know I am all over the place with this post, but depression is a shit show, and for those of you that deal with it, you will probably be able to follow me just fine. For those of you with your perfect lives, and your perfect family, in your perfect home, try and have some compassion for others that struggle emotionally. Many stuff it until they can’t anymore. And don’t call them selfish for taking their lives, did you reach out to them? They took their life because they didn’t believe they had another option to release the pain.

I am always available 24/7 to anyone in need. My number is 503-544-7397, my personal email is









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33 Responses to The Thief Has Returned

  1. shaunynews says:

    Becki x If you are on Skype come speak to me, please.
    You are not alone and never will be. I know the demons, I learnt to make the fuck off, but I know others suffer as I do, just in different ways. I know you and you know me as well as anyone does I think/hope

    Talk to me,…
    Please be ok

    ❤ Shaun ❤

  2. Chelle Aubrey says:

    I have walked in your shoes several times. I get it. I got you. We are Soul sisters. Thank you for being brave enough to say the words I don’t dare day. Love you

  3. JackieP says:

    I didn’t press like because, well I don’t like this. Not what you have written, what you are going through. I know a tiny bit about knee pain, as I am going through some of my own. I have arthritis, but I also pulled a ligament in my knee. People don’t realize how important the knee is till it’s messed up. And the pain? well you and I know about the pain. I only take Tylenol, which does take the edge off for me, but that’s all it does. I’m fighting staying out of depression for the first time in many years. I have managed to stay out of that hole for years now, but with this pain and other things happening I see that hole drawing closer every day. I feel for you Becki. Stay strong and write whatever and how ever you what lady. We that know depression, understand completely. Hugs.

    • Oh Jackie, girl I know you have had the thief steal your happiness as well. I hope you are able to avoid the depression hole. Please know I am always here for you. Knee pain is crazy, I have suffered from it for years and years. unfortunatly getting older dosen’t help either. The meds I mentioned in my post are releiving some of the pain, at least taking the edge off for now. I am glad I saved them and threw them in the safe when we moved. Sorry I have been out of touch. Sending you healing wishes.Thanks for stopping by Jackie.

  4. I’m sorry about what you’ve been through and also what you continue to go through.
    Much love. x

  5. Susan Sigmund says:

    For my niece Becki….Don’t you love it when people say just snap out of it ??? My own daughter commented, that I practically didn’t leave the house because of that depression stuff. No she didn’t reach out to me , so how did she even know I was under the covers feeling like I couldn’t make it out of the grip of depression. She choose instead to tell everyone I was crazy. No, I am not crazy, I have anxiety , depression, and panic attacks. If I had an illness would I get blamed ??? I have not been through what you have, but I sure have empathy for what you struggle with. We need people to understand we did not choose this….as our way to be in this world. We can inspire change by talking openly about it. My wish for you, to be free of all your emotional pain and physical pain. Love you, Aunt Sue

    • Thank you Aunt Sue and I love you too. Some of the worst, but most commonly used phrases are; suck it up, it’s all in your head, snap out of it, cheer up, or just think- their are others who have it worse than you. Instead of offering perspective, sometimes it’s better to say nothing and just hang out with the person who is depressed. For myself its hard to discuss, it took all week to write this rambling post. Even talking to Ronnie about depression is hard,t makes him feel bad and responsible, and in no way is he. NO WE did not choose this. I am sorry Dawn treated you like she did and continues with her selfish behavior. My wish for you is the same. The wonderful trait we do have is how much we care for, and try to help others. Love you Aunt Sue , have a great evening.

  6. Lori Lara says:

    Becki, you’re brave and real, and I love your depth. I’ve been off blogging for quite some time, but it sure was nice returning to your blog. Depression is a thief for sure. But he also invites us into deeper layers of life and creativity, if we let him. I’m available to chat. Let me know if you’re interested. In the meantime, big hugs to you. ❤️ and I mean that.

  7. Pandionna says:

    “Depression is not always visible, even to a person’s closest friends or partner. The depressed person’s life may seem perfect to others in their social circle and workplace. Not everyone that suffers from chronic depression lays in bed all day.”

    I hope some folks out there who need to understand this see it. Too many people still don’t understand what people with depression go through. Thanks for having the courage to share your thoughts here.

    • Thanks for reading and taking the time out to comment. I hope you were able to follow, when I get depressed like this…. I lose all tracking ability. The PTSD and depression get intertwined making for one hot mess !!

  8. I stopped by your blog because of the kind comment you left for me… I too suffered many of my adult years with intermittent depression. I didn’t have the abuse that you had to suffer from though. I truly hope this episode won’t settle in but that you can ward it off… I worry..(in my nature) .. that perhaps you put your telephone number in your post. It’s none of my business but I know that there are even some trolls among the blogging world….Recently, a young woman was harassed by one. Anyway, I probably shouldn’t even say anything.. Take care … hope you feel better soon… Diane

    • Diane, thank you so much for stopping by. What a pleasure to meet you. I hope your depression has taken a back seat and you are enjoying life. I also appreciate your concern in regards to my telephone number, it’s my cell phone not my home phone. My cell phone are code (503) is a different states area code, where I used to live. My home is unlisted and private. I made the decision to have my cell phone on my blog,to help someone who may not think there is hope. My number has appeared on posts for almost 2 years and I have yet to have someone harass me. If that should happen I can block them. But thanks again for your concern 🙂 Have a beautiful weekend Diane

  9. Jen says:

    I am a nurse. Mobic is a miracle pill for me. I take it when I have flair ups coupled with Ultram 50mg. Drs give Ultram in place of hydrocoden. As far as depression, people don’t understand until they go through it. Depression is a vicious bithc and a bully that doesn’t like to let her victims go.

    • Jen,
      Thanks for stopping by, so far the Meloxicam (generic for mobic) is working great, it’s taken the edge off for me and I am walking much better.I love that it’s non narcotic and I only need 1 tablet per day. Thanks for confirming what most don’t understand about depression.

  10. Denise Hisey says:

    Becki, those same 3 suicides really hit me hard too. So many times I stood on the edge of that cliff teetering perilously close to making the same jump they did. You are not alone, and it’s good you are reaching out. Your description of depression as a thief is profound.

    • It’s so difficult at times to carry on, you know better than anyone. I shock myself sometimes that I actually made it through another week. Thanks for stopping by, I think of you often.

  11. Though I read when you post, I rarely comment. You and I, we have very similar histories, very similar scars and very similar highs and lows. Depression is no easy thing, it is nothing to contend with alone. When you combine depression with pain (which I often do also), it will very nearly always cause the deepest valleys, the hardest hills to climb.

    There is never an easy answer. I hope though, you continue to write, to reach out. There are others who will reach back. Clearly others who care.

    • Valentine, thank you for taking the time to comment. You are spot on, depression and pain are the worst. Writing has helped tremendously with depression, as I mentioned in the post I don’t discuss depression with my friends. The darknesss has been real heavy.Thank you for caring, what tips do you have for coping that work for you?

      • I write Becki. I keep a journal, that is private so I can track. Sometimes I walk, sometimes it helps. Like you I am medication adverse, both pain and other meds as well.

        I try to find hobbies, I like photography so sometimes that helps. Taking day trips to new places and picture taking.

        I think for each of us it is different. I use to paint, lately I have felt the urge to get back to some of my roots, this is one of them. I think exploring some of the things we have set aside, for whatever reason is a way of reconnecting with ourselves and is important. Sometimes solitary activities are okay for this other times, finding meetups or classes is better.

        For me, sunlight is a cure all. But that is just me.

      • I have been doing much of the same, writing, day trips across Arizona. I am in the process of finding some meet up groups in Arizona. Sunlight is also very healing for me, another reason we moved to Arizona this past March. Yesterday I took a 410 mile day trip on the East side of Arizona, through Payson, Flagstaff, Winslow and Sedona.. There is much to explore here. Thank you for sharing.

  12. I have been struggling lately with my depression and I feel for you. Pain really adds to it. Mine is chronic also and they feed off each other I think. Here’s to hoping the sun will come out for you again soon.

  13. shaunynews says:

    You know I am thinking of you all the way from Scotland Becki…
    We must catch up.

    Big Scottish Hug… x

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