The thief has once again arrived and is attempting to steal my soul. All I can take solace in at the moment is I know I am not alone.
Ive attempted three times since Monday to blog about this, each time the thief stole the words from my soul. The thief is depression, it’s a soul sucking debilitating illness that is all consuming.
Suicide is probably what’s triggered my latest round of depression. Jennifer from Newberg, Oregon committed suicide, soon thereafter Robin Williams and last week, Derek also from Oregon took his life. My heart aches for all three of these wonderful people, depression got the best of them and they were unable to live another day on this planet.
Depression is not always visible, even to a person’s closest friends or partner. The depressed person’s life may seem perfect to others in their social circle and workplace. Not everyone that suffers from chronic depression lays in bed all day.
When I was young, I remember standing in front of my huge dresser mirror in my bedroom sobbing. I would take a pillow from my bed cover my mouth and just sob and sob. Obviously, I was depressed, the reason…… I was severely abused by my mother. My mother convinced me I was worthless , ugly and ignorant. I am pretty sure she was hoping I would commit suicide. My mother used to scream a phrase about beating me within an inch of my life, while thrashing the belt across me or what ever weapon of choice she found. I’m pretty sure she was hoping I would take that extra inch of life that was left in me. The abuse started my depression, knowing that I wasn’t loved, watching my friends parents embrace , kiss them, encourage them, made my depression worse.
The last time I wrote a blog post was July. I resigned from my position at Encore Creative July 30th, The environment was not healthy and I needed to jump ship before it sunk. Without going into detail, I was misled about Encore’s status as a premiere event company. I don’t believe resigning from EC has anything to do with my current bout of depression. There is another project that has presented itself to me, I am going to wait several months before I share any details about that project on my blog.
You may notice, I am trying to work through this depression while I am talking with you. I hope my style of communicating on this blog allows you, the reader, to feel like we are sitting in my living room or patio chatting. Screw the grammar police and critics. This is real life, I’m not looking to be freshly pressed or win a writing competition, I am trying to live and work through my demons. Once again, I am fighting to survive, I’m in a battle, it’s real it’s fierce right now!
My close friends and former co-workers know that I have had severe chronic pain for over 15 years. Some is related to scar tissue from when I was stabbed, most is from my right knee being bone on bone. Last year the orthopedic surgeon took films of the knee and confirmed right knee needs to be replaced, left knee is borderline. The surgeon and I mutually agreed to inject them both with steroids and attempt to relieve some pain. The injections worked and lasted about 4 months. The pain has returned, it is severe, I have a huge threshold for pain and this is all consuming. I’m talking 10 plus on the 1-10 pain scale. I am not in a position to have that knee replaced now. I don’t take narcotics for the pain, just advil. However Tuesday when I was in our safe, I found a prescription my orthopedic gave me last December I hadn’t tried. It’s called Meloxicam, generic for Mobic 15mg tabs. The directions indicate, take only 1 tablet once a day. This medication is non-narcotic, I am on day 3 now and it seems to be taking the edge off. I believe the chronic pain intensifies the depression. I am not smoking though !! YAY for me, that is usually what I turn to for comfort. Cigarettes were my crutch on and off for over 35 years.
I really love Arizona but there is so much that is superficial, The countryside is gorgeous, lots of cool shops and so much to explore. I am looking for places of serenity. I hear a lot of, ” oh she is married to so and so and they have blah blah blah and go to blah blah blah.” Or,” They have this and that and used to be that and this” So What part of all that, makes me want to be part of that world ?, these people just don’t know, unless they stumble across my blog and read every single post. Doubt it, they are too caught up in where they need to be seen at for Happy Hour. The crazy part is, guys are saying this more than the chicks. I have met some cool people though, people I just haven’t been able to spend very much time with.
I’m hoping to identify all that has triggered this last round of depression, and work through the layers that pile on the initial trigger. So much piles on, last night I started feeling even worse because we left Simba and Nalla buried in Oregon. Simba and Nalla are our beloved furry kids that passed away March 19th and December 23rd 2012 respectively. They were both 16 years old.
I know I am all over the place with this post, but depression is a shit show, and for those of you that deal with it, you will probably be able to follow me just fine. For those of you with your perfect lives, and your perfect family, in your perfect home, try and have some compassion for others that struggle emotionally. Many stuff it until they can’t anymore. And don’t call them selfish for taking their lives, did you reach out to them? They took their life because they didn’t believe they had another option to release the pain.
I am always available 24/7 to anyone in need. My number is 503-544-7397, my personal email is firstname.lastname@example.org