The dreams are vivid, the pain is real and raw. The vicious attacks I suffered as a child are haunting me, interrupting my sleep, and causing extreme anxiety. My mother would be happy knowing she’s still causing me pain. The nightmares are so realistic, I smell the stench of her sweat, I feel the fear that she may kill me. It’s been 37 years since she last beat me. The majority of the beatings I remember started at 8 years old and ended at 15 years old, when I eventually escaped. But I do remember several from when I was around 5 years old because of the location we lived. When I was 5, her weapon of choice to strike me with was my baton. She eventually broke that baton across my back.
I’ve been dreaming of these horrific memories from my childhood the last few weeks. I don’t know what the trigger is that has caused them. When I wake in a panic, I relive the pain and it’s real, the bruises, the welts swelling and burning of my flesh. I feel the touch of the sheets on my body and the agony of trying to find a comfortable position to lay, but I can’t, the pain is too severe. I grab pillows, I try to elevate and provide soft cushion to my body that is once again covered in black, purple and red bruises. Sometimes the bruising and cuts from a previous beating have yet to heal before my mother lashes out at me again, nothing seems to help. I toss and turn sobbing, my heart aches more than the knots and dis- figuration of my body. I don’t understand, she hates me , I am to young to figure it out. I just want to be loved, I just want to be loved. I would lay in a fetal position and cry myself to sleep. The bruising eventually turn color to yellow and green, the scars would heal until the next time. My mother never explained why she hated me. How can a mother hate such a young child? How can a mother beat her child bloody ?
Those beatings have not only caused me extreme emotional damage as an adult, but they caused lasting physical affects. In my early 40’s I took a list of some persistent aches and pains in my body with me to my doctor during my annual physical. My doctor had been my primary care physician for years. He decided after years of me complaining, and my history of abuse, to order some x-rays and an MRI. The results and conclusion of these tests showed damage consistent with repeated abuse. There were distinct patterns and clusters of damaged tissue. My doctor advised me that in my senior years arthritis was eventually going to be prevalent throughout my body. The technology in the medical field can now link, and prove without speculation physical abuse in an adult directly back to childhood.
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, October 21st is the anniversary of the day I was attacked and stabbed 21 times.
The pain of being an abused child is worse than the pain of being stabbed. The internal chaos may never end.
If you are an abuser, seek help.
If you are being abused and need help call 1-800-799-7233 or visit http://www.domesticshelters.org
If you need to talk with a survivor, send me a message on my blog or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, if you need to talk call my cell at 503-544-7397. I am here for you.