Sleep Interupted, She’s Back

becki bruises

The dreams are vivid, the pain is real and raw. The vicious attacks I suffered as a child are haunting me, interrupting my sleep, and causing extreme anxiety. My mother would be happy knowing she’s still causing me pain. The nightmares are so realistic, I smell the stench of her sweat, I feel the fear that she may kill me.  It’s been 37 years since she last beat me. The majority of the beatings I remember started at 8 years old and ended at 15 years old, when I eventually escaped. But I do remember several from when I was around 5 years old because of the location we lived. When I was 5, her weapon of choice to strike me with was my baton.  She eventually broke that baton across my back.

I’ve been dreaming of these horrific memories from my childhood the last few weeks. I don’t know what the trigger is that has caused them.  When I wake in a panic,  I relive the pain and it’s real, the bruises,  the welts swelling and burning of my flesh. I feel the touch of the sheets on my body and the agony of trying to find a comfortable position to lay, but I can’t, the pain is too severe.  I grab pillows, I try to elevate and provide soft cushion to my body that is once again covered in black, purple and red bruises. Sometimes the bruising and cuts from a previous beating have yet to heal before my mother lashes out at me again, nothing seems to help. I toss and turn sobbing, my heart aches more than the knots and dis- figuration of my body. I don’t understand, she hates me , I am to young to figure it out. I just want to be loved, I just want to be loved.  I would lay in a fetal position and cry myself to sleep. The bruising eventually turn color to yellow and green, the scars would heal until the next time. My mother never explained why she hated me. How can a mother hate such a young child? How can a mother beat her child bloody ?

Those beatings have not only caused me extreme emotional damage as an adult, but they caused lasting physical affects. In my early 40’s I took a list of some persistent aches and pains in my body with me to my doctor during my annual physical. My doctor had been my primary care physician for years. He decided after years of me complaining, and my history of abuse, to order some x-rays and an MRI. The results and conclusion of these tests showed damage consistent with repeated abuse. There were distinct patterns and clusters of damaged tissue. My doctor advised me that in my senior years arthritis was eventually going to be prevalent throughout my body. The technology in the medical field can now link, and prove without speculation physical abuse in an adult directly back to childhood.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, October 21st is the anniversary of the day I was attacked and stabbed 21 times.

The pain of being an abused child is worse than the pain of being stabbed. The internal chaos may never end.

If you are an abuser, seek help.

If you are being abused and need help call 1-800-799-7233 or visit

If you need to talk with a survivor, send me a message on my blog or email me at, if you need to talk call my cell at 503-544-7397. I am here for you.




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16 Responses to Sleep Interupted, She’s Back

  1. kat says:

    Wow,you are my hero,and as it seems my kindred!I was almost killed by my ex husband and my back it torn up from him,still yet I suffer from all the child abuse my body endured.My doctor saying same I am young but have the bones of a 70yrold,and multiple old injuries caused from childhood abuse.I recently figured out my mother is a narcissistic parent,and then it all made sense.I realize she is not capable of love,at all!I suffered a brain
    bleed from childhood abuse,and had a subdural hematoma,and a shunt put in to drain the blood.I was so young when this happened,I was not able to do follow up care as my parents should have,so I have been cleaning up her messes for years!I sit here now with that VP shunt in my body snapped in half,causing me pain and maybe a stroke soon! I am so tired of people telling me to forgive and get over it.My mother let her men abuse me,and she abused me,I do not have allow it any longer!I remember being hit by everything,every thing she could hit me with.I am a single mom and have went no contact with my family for years now.Still last winter my mom tracked me down by using my social sec number and she tried to have all my bills shut off,just wow!

    • Kat, you totally understand !!! It’s only been in the last 10-15 years that the medical industry has seriously examined the damage caused to our adult bodies from child abuse. You have suffered very severe abuse. Your mother really has some nerve to expect anything from you. Your mother is a terrorist and is emotionally attempting to hold you hostage. Don’t allow it! These women were supposed to love and protect us. We were never allowed to have a fair chance in life, they INTENTIONALLY stripped us of our youth. Kat, I can;t remember where you are located. Feel free to email me or call if you ever need a caring ear.

      • kat says:

        Thank you so much,and I still don’t even know how serious they take children these days. I suffer layers of PTSD.I could not get treatment after I survived domestic violence by my ex as blue cross and blue shield labeled it a pre existing condition of spousal abuse.When the affordable health care act was signed by Pres Obama I was finally able to get MRIs,and my neck is crushed,and as a nurse my career destroyed,but I live for my daughter,it is just us two,and so day by day,min to min,I keep going-u already know!I am from Ok and have moved to NM to go no contact with my whole abusive family! I feel you are a kindred spirit,as you know how society doesn’t allow much room for kids like us,and kids who never as you stated,we never had a fair chance! I am moved by your story,and inspired! Bless all of us who survived! Earth is our mother now,and she loves us! HUGS!

      • Kat, you are pretty close to me I am in Mesa Arizona. Thank God you left and moved from them. What will the treatment for your neck involve? I do know and understand.We didn’t have a fair chance, I would of rather been raised in an orphanage and never known my biological family than to of suffered that bitches torture. We are kindred spirits, sisters in pain, trying to find our place in this unfair world and seeking the love and compassion we so deserve. I am here for you sister ! Sending you love.

      • kat says:

        God I truly feel your pain,I’ve had several neck surgeries but it’s severe since I basically went to work with fractured neck,broken ribs,and no ins would help me,so the attack was in 03 and I could not get treatment until 2008&Obama care helped kill off pre existing conditions,so crazy, how I ever pushed through I do not know!Must be adrenaline cause now I’m having thyroid issues.I am struggling w medical community putting together triggers,he strangled me with a thick extension chord,and I just had a thyroid biopsy=trigger!When he strangled me I was floating away, and have never felt such a deep sleep,I prob won’t again until I die.He is in jail for multiple things and I was leaving him when he tried to kill me(in front of our daughter)separation assault,oh to know then what I know now! I am trying to break this vicious cycle w my daughter.I am a lot like you are and don’t want the thief to take me down,but depression is always lingering!PS)my ex broke in and did this on my birthday Dec 28th so I hate Christmas,and feel like HELL until about March-I can only hang in there!People mad at me for not enjoying the Holidays! I am so sorry for your pain,but this blog is a great thing,I for one don’t feel so alone! Keep on keeping on girl!

  2. I am so so sorry you had to endure such horror as a child. It is unthinkable to me. I have no doubt you are saving others from the same fate by blogging and sharing your story. Thank you.

    • Janet,
      Thank you for your compassion. There’s good days and bad days. Lately there has been some horrible and vivid nightmares. There is so much unresolved pain, both physical and emotional. I am peeling back the layers slowly.
      Hope you are well,

  3. I hope you are able to get some rest soon. Hugs.

  4. JackieP says:

    Big virtual hugs Becki. So sorry you are going through this. If I remember right last year when I first ‘met’ you, you were going through Oct and having a rough time. Wish I could help.

    • Thanks Jackie, I believe you are correct. On a positive note so much has happened that is positive since then. Ronnie and I love Arizona. How are you? Thanks for all your support.
      XXOO Becki Hugs right back at you!

  5. kat says:

    Narcissistic mothers are capable of much evil,they sell their children’s souls,it is like being born to a demon,God I FEEL your pain!

  6. Lori says:

    Hi, Becki — My heart aches for you, and I wish I could be there for you to give you the kind of emotional support that can often be felt only through a face-to-face visit. I’ve found something that helps lull my brain into a calm, serene state (regardless of anything that may be happening in my life to the contrary). Check out, get an MP3 player (SanDisk makes a good one, sold at Best Buy) and inexpensive “noise cancelling” headphones (Panasonic makes good ones that are affordable, also sold at Best Buy) and order the “Brain Massage” and “Healing Meditation” mp3’s for download from I swear to God that these work — and very well! They also have some for sleep, reducing stress, etc. I look forward to our next phone conversation (I get back to town late the evening of Oct. 22). Love you lots, Sista!

  7. I feel many need to read this posting. The physical trauma of abuse doesn’t just “go away”. The effects can stay lodged in the body for so very long. By talking and writing about such things, you shed some light and understanding. We can only heal what we know and understand.

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