The Thief Has Returned

The thief has once again arrived and is attempting to steal my soul. All I can take solace in at the moment is I know I am not alone.

Ive attempted three times since Monday to blog about this, each time the thief stole the words from my soul. The thief is depression, it’s a soul sucking debilitating illness that is all consuming.

Suicide is probably what’s triggered my latest round of depression. Jennifer from Newberg, Oregon committed suicide, soon thereafter Robin Williams and last week, Derek also from Oregon took his life.  My heart aches for all three of these wonderful people, depression got the best of them and they were unable to live another day on this planet. Continue reading

Posted in Depression, Suicide | Tagged , , , | 33 Comments

Once I Leave, I May Never Return

Havasupai Falls

I discovered this incredible location on a friends Facebook page. Havasupai Falls is located in Arizona,tucked away in the Havasu Canyons. There are guided tours into the Canyon. The Havasupai Falls is one of several waterfalls and swimming holes along the trek.

The Havasupai falls are located deep within Native American Indian land, a Native American Indian serves as your guide.The guides set up your tent and camp site which includes meals prepared by the guides. Camping has never been my idea of a fun experience. In fact I have only camped once and it was horrible. Unfortunately the Hyatt doesn’t have a location near the falls. I will have to suck it up and sleep in a tent.

Since I first discovered the Havasupai Falls I have met several people that have made the journey. I’ve been told the 3 day journey is an incredible spiritual experience. The water is crystal clear and warm, the scenery is magnificent and the picture on this post doesn’t do justice to actually seeing the falls in person.

I have a feeling once I witness the experience first hand I won’t want to leave. Wishing everyone a very beautiful peaceful day.

Posted in arizona, ditat deus, Life's Blessings and Joys, Searching, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Where I Work , And What I Do

I thought long and hard about revealing where I am employed. Most bloggers aren’t as open about who they are, where they live or where they work, and for good reason. Many are writing about experiences that are still secrets in their circle of friends and families. Many are victims of abuse and still suffering in violent situations. Most have anonymous names, it’s pretty obvious I don’t. MY fear has been released to God and the universe. The chains that once bound me are broke.

My blog has been about exposure. I feel it’s important for SOME of us that are survivors to put a face with the abuse. When I left my employer, West Coast Event Productions in Portland August 3, 2012, I was not healthy and living in fear. I never took the time to put forth a conscious effort and commit to healing spiritually and emotionally. My career kept me incredibly busy and eventually I emotionally and physically collapsed. I hit the wall hard. My son’s death threat was the icing on the cake. In hind sight as much as he wanted me dead , he actually brought about my healing and I began to live. Life began to drastically change. There were a couple “family” bumps along the way, but we dealt with each “bump” swiftly and moved on. Continue reading

Posted in arizona, Healing and Recovery, Life's Blessings and Joys, new adventures, new beginnings | Tagged , , , , | 17 Comments

Happy 24th Birthday

My wish for Lance is the same as last year. Happy 25th Birthday son. May all your wishes come true. Drram Big!!!

I Survived a Murder Attack -- My Family Didn't

Happy Birthday Lance

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Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment


Recently a former classmate of mine posted our kindergarten class photo on facebook. The only photo’s I have of my childhood are a few that my Aunt sent me. Immediately upon seeing the kindergarten class photo I tried to identify each classmate. I remembered most of their names even though the photo was taken some 47 years ago. I starred at the small black and white photo of myself along side the other boys and girls. I remember kindergarten, and especially parent/teacher day. My elementary years were some of the worst. I was very chatty in school, for 10 years my mother would be told by the teacher that I talked too much and lacked the ability to focus. My mother was also told that I was too fidgety and did not absorb my lessons. The chewing of my finger nails would also be brought up. For years I chewed my nails right down to the cuticle until they bled. After I destroyed my nail bed, I would tear the skin away.  Continue reading

Posted in abused by mother, Child Abuse, childhood friends, Domestic Violence, Family Secrets, identify problem children, PTSD | Tagged , , , , , | 36 Comments

8270 Days

Nine hundred sixty five days , 965 days between our knife wielding attackers. I was starting to heal, feeling stronger, I landed a great job with the TOPS program in Portland Oregon. My position was assistant case worker for women transitioning from county, state and federal institutions back into the community. TOPS was an impatient program, located in downtown Portland at the YWCA. Yes, I once worked for The Department Of Corrections. I was offered a fantastic compensation package and I loved my position. Outside of having to collect urine samples from our residents to send to Parole and Probation , and an occasional visit from the US Marshalls when called upon to escort a non complying resident back to jail, it was a good gig. My dream was, one day become a therapist for women and children escaping domestic violence. I also was serving on a Board of Director’s as the Chair Of Fundraising at the largest Domestic Violence Resource Center in Washington County. My son’s were in therapy, we were healing from my vicious attack.  Continue reading

Posted in Nicole Brown Simpson, OJ Simpson is a murderer, OJ Simpson jealousy, OJ Simpson prison, Ron Goldman, Suicide | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Full Disclosure

I can’t change the past but the past has changed me. Matthew West wrote a song titled, “My Name Is.” In his lyrics there is a great phrase, “I am no longer defined by the wreckage behind.”

This week I faced yet another challenge, I had to dig very deep within myself for strength. I was scared to death, but knew the right thing was to completely disclose my past, so I popped a Xanax to calm my nerves, prayed that God and the universe would give me the strength to face the demons of my past. I copied some court records, pulled up my blog on my laptop and went into the meeting.

The Xanax didn’t help, my stomach was in knots, every nerve in my body was tense and raw. If I would of stood up, I would of fell face first of the floor.

I fully disclosed the tainted past that has haunted me for years. Continue reading

Posted in arizona, becki duckworth, Becoming accountable, Family Secrets, Healing and Recovery, leaving the past behind, My Life as an Celebrity Event Planner, new adventures | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Big Things

Our youngest son used to always say, “Mom, I am doing big things, really big things.” He used “big things” in reference to modeling at Columbia Sportswear, his employment at the bank and when he started college. That child was quite the jokester and always excited about his accomplishments and projects on the horizon.

Well here in Arizona,Ronnie and I are what our son would call,”Doing Big Things!”

For myself, I have jumped head first back into the world of having a corporate paycheck. In Arizona I am doing “BIGGER THINGS.” I debated talking about it and I am not going to say much, those that know me personally have been informed. Continue reading

Posted in arizona, Arizona by Harley, Healing and Recovery, Life's Blessings and Joys, living the dream, Mothers day | Tagged , , , , , | 7 Comments

LA Clippers Should ALL Boycott Tomorrow Night’s Game

To truly make a stand against racism, the entire LA Clipper team should boycott tomorrows night game against the Golden State Warriors.

This is my opinion and if it’s not yours, I don’t care, I am talking my opinion here. What I do care about is what is right and taking a stand against racism. Forcing Donald Sterling to sell the Los Angeles Clippers is only going to give him financial gain. Donald Sterling paid approx. 15 million dollars for the team. The Clippers are now worth close to a billion dollars. So Donald Sterling will profit hundreds of millions of dollars.

Suspending Donald Sterling from the NBA for a year or so is not punishment enough, if that is what his sanction ends up being. That is a slap on the wrist to him. Continue reading

Posted in Donald Sterling, LA Clipper Players Boycott, NBA, Rich Mans Slavery | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Today’s Adventure On The Harley

Ronnie and I on our way from Mesa to Globe

Ronnie and I on our way from Mesa to Globe

My view on back of Harley

My view on back of Harley

Continue reading

Posted in arizona, Arizona by Harley, friendships, happiness, Harley Davidson 100th Anniversary Fatboy | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments