Please Return To Your Glass House

I’ve missed all of you, ok not true. How about, I’ve missed all but three of you ! Sooooo, to those three followers of mine that are filled with hate and contempt, please return to your glass houses.  I’m not going to ask you to stop spewing your hate, because I am thick skinned and can take it.  My hope is as long as you continue to attack me, you will leave another that may be more sensitive ALONE.  However, your comments are irrelevant to my blog, and will never be approved for the public to view.

To everyone reading this that has no idea what I’m talking about:

The Three Stooges seem to think my blog is “bullshit”, that I’m playing victim, looking for sympathy, and am just an all around rotten person, that needs to end my life immediately. To quote one of them, “Please just kill yourself now and allow the air that you breath for a person that is worthy.” Another quote, ” Your blog is meaningless, it sucks, you have zero grammar skills and are not a writer, I wish you would commit suicide.” There are many more that I won’t give the stooges the satisfaction of quoting, but I think everyone gets the picture. There will always be haters regardless of what a person writes about. If I wrote about food, viewers would attack and hate the recipes. Unfortunately, hate and attacking others is just human nature.  In fact, I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to the natural instinct to criticize, or lash out. I try very hard to not react. I’m making progress, and I’m tested weekly. In fact a month or so ago, I had someone playfully spit in my face. My natural reaction was to break my foot off in her ass. Had she of done this years ago, the end result would of been a brawl.

So let’s talk about my blog.

I am not a professional writer, I am completely AWARE that my grammar is horrible.What I have is a TRUE story to tell.  Every post is the truth, if not, don’t you think I would have dozens of pending lawsuits? These people I write about love to sue. Any legal situation I write about, I provide the dates, case numbers , county and parties involved.

My blog is about child abuse, the child abuse I suffered. The only person that physically abused me as a child is the person that birthed me, my so mother. My blog is a journey of how that abuse screwed me up emotionally. How I lacked the ability to trust, love, have compassion, parent and function normally in society for decades.

My blog is also about domestic violence, how for years I chose partners that repeatedly abused , beat me, stabbed me, raped me.  My poor choices in relationships were a direct result of years of child abuse. Thankfully I was able to break that cycle in my 30’s when I married the love of my life……we are still married.

My blog is about covering up abuse.  My mother was/is a monster , that brainwashed me and taught me to lie. She taught me to never talk about what was going on in our daily home life. Why? Because people wouldn’t like me if they knew the truth.  She said she beat me because I was a very bad, bad  little girl. In my home, we covered up everything that wasn’t rainbows and unicorns. If my mother didn’t want to go somewhere be it a family function, community event she lied, most people would  just say I don’t want to go. She would pretend to be a friend,  pretend to like the neighbors, the church people etc, be kind to their faces and then rage about how she loathed and disliked them behind their backs. Again she taught us to lie, never speak the truth cover up and be deceitful, that’s how we lived. My mother hated her husband, she hated her life, and most of all she hated everything about me.

My blog is about exposing the coverup, not only my mothers abuse toward me, but what I hid for years. Regardless of the backlash of this blog, and there has been more than I EVER expected.  Think about this, how hard do you think its been for me to find employment? I’ve exposed myself to the world, my dirty little secrets, my criminal past of 25 years ago. I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable to all the haters and skeptics.  I sacrificed a career of 20 years, that I busted my back to create, a career that was exciting and lucrative. I walked away from it, I QUIT, because I refused to be threatened of my past ever again. I quit and knew the risk and started this blog. I EXPOSED MYSELF. I’ve lost almost all and any family I had left.  The majority of friends I had for over 25 years in Oregon are non-existant, except for a few that truly love me and understand abuse. But I’m ok with that, I understand, this shit is heavy, it’s raw, dirty and hard for most to comprehend, let alone talk about it.

My blog is about survival. Surviving abuse, abandonment, homelessness, poverty, helping others escape child abuse and domestic violence. Surviving the backlash from my children. I don’t consider myself a victim, and damn it don’t give me that label !

This blog is also about raising children and adoption. It’s only been recently that I discovered psychologically I was unable to raise daughters. My daughters were adopted. I have a strong bond and relationship with one of them, and my two beautiful grandchildren as well as my daughters adopted parents. They went through so much crap with me 30 years ago,  I’ve repeatedly put them through the , “Do you still love me now test” they still love me, and support me emotionally, and my journey. We have a rare unconditional love, they understand me and they understand abuse.

My blog has helped many survivors of domestic violence, they call me, they email me. I understand them. I’ve cried on the phone with child abuse survivors that discovered my blog. Their stories are similar to mine, lies, coverup, PTSD and survival. I know I’ve helped many, and they have supported me. That was one of my goals with this blog. The other goal, was to expose myself, so that no one could hold anything over me as blackmail ever again.

So to recap this post, I’m a horrible writer, I don’t need anyone following me to tell me so. I’ve made horrible choices, that I take full responsibility for. I’ve hurt my children. I covered up my life for years….. but was it really your business? I had rotten decision making skills.  Poor friend choices. If I chose to end my life it will be because I have no strength to move forward, not because one of the three stooges pushed me over the edge. You see, I can’t allow you to have that power over me.

Now, come out of your glass house’s and have the guts, courage and strength that I have within me, start a blog. Send me the link.

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12 Responses to Please Return To Your Glass House

  1. JackieP says:

    I don’t understand haters. Everyone has something in their past, everyone. No one is without a past and something they feel sorry about. We should be building each other up not tearing each other down. Keep up the good fight Becki. ((hugs))

  2. kcg1974 says:

    I don’t think you’re a bad writer, and I think you are truly brave for discussing your past, admitting your mistakes, together with your desire to be a better person. How terrific that you are helping other victims. I’m certainly not privy to your life story or the help in between, but my prayers are with you and your family. Many blessings to you.

    • Well thank you and thanks for following me and taking the time to comment. My life story is on my blog. I hope I can continue to help others, if nothing else other than to expose the abuse. I’ve made many poor choices and horrible mistakes. i’ve been hurt and hurt others. There is so much more to write about. When I can find the strength I will share. thank you for your prayers. I’m pretty weak these days.

      • kcg1974 says:

        You are much stronger than you realize. Never give up. Keep reaching deep inside. Seek help and support from others and you will rise far above.

  3. Cathy says:

    Amen sister!! I totally understand and you know that! I too suffered my own form of abuse!!!!

  4. Scarlett says:

    Becki, your not a bad writer. Your an honest writer. A lot of supposedly good writers spoil it for me by trying to be “pithy”, which I don’t think is really honest. I relate to you because you are a real human being, hiccups and all. It takes guts to bare your soul to the the nameless, faceless blog world, win, lose or draw. But real people are needed because they are the only ones who understand what it’s like to go through this stuff and come out on the other side a stronger and better person, not necessarily totally healed, but wiser and with a wealth of experience to share with others.
    I just got out of a weeks stay in the hospital where I thought at times death would be a relief. It was painful and hard, and I suffered abuse in my helpless, vulnerable state. I still have bruises and needle marks but…I can truly say, that even in and through this, the Lord was with me. I can’t explain it other than a miracle, but I feel stronger than I have in a long time when by rights I should be feeling still very weak, and sick. And also, quite mysteriously, my previously dangerously high blood pressure has suddenly returned to amazingly normal and healthy limits….and I’m not even taking medication for it.
    I’ve learned the secret of peace is to trust God no matter what’s going on. period. And when you do, miracles happen.
    To heck with the haters. Don’t even take it personal. Haters are just doin what haters do…hate. It’s not your problem.

    Love,
    Scarlett

    • Scarlett,
      Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I hope you are feeling better, God is good! There is always going to be haters that sit behind a keyboard spewing their evil. Sending you love.
      Becki

  5. secretangel says:

    Becki, your words of sorrow and pain are very real. You speak from your heart and we can feel what you are going through. As far as i am concerned, that makes you a very good writer. Pure, heart-wrenching emotion. That’s what makes songs and all good art forms. As far as those who “cast stones”… “let those who are without sin cast the first stone” to quote Jesus… None of us are perfect. We all sin. We all make mistakes. If someone does not like what someone writes, then just go to the next one. No abusive words needed. You are touching lives with your stores of heartache and pain that you have endured. You are stronger than you even realize. God has a plan for you. God bless you!!

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